Calming down

I think I will be stress-free after I send back my work shirts, the panic is real, I somehow remember something like it's as if Sakinah is the guarantor of me working at this workplace because I have failed multiple times, she seem to not care I experience back pain though, it's weird why am I experiencing something like feeling bad for her, is it real that to work here require a guarantor? Is it a dream?

It's bad that I can't work and it's worse that doctors maybe even contact agencies to disallow me to work at places, I really don't know what to do in my life, what should I be in life?

It's all the same writing daily that I feel that I shouldn't write anymore, one of my post only have 3 readers making me wonder who reads me, why is it like that to my life? Can even 1 happen multiple times or people refresh at one time of viewing? It's weird I don't understand the number meaning but then what's real is I can't become someone that can care Sakinah, my love for her is useless because of schizophrenia I can't become the man I wanted to be, I became a weakling and someone that can't get her love, I don't even know why stories of Popeyes exist, am I even applying for that job later, I really don't know, I don't feel like I will work anything anymore, I feel dumb how I didn't get my job club money for some years already and it continued this year too, it is bad this life experience and I gone through it another time, I don't know what game are they doing to me like not giving me money at all, it's just torture I guess the imagination of pain, people don't have schizophrenia that's why can work easily, it's hard for someone like me but the doctors still decided my life to be like this difficult, I really have nowhere to go in life I can't get a good job, they give a back pain level of job that I loss memory I ever worked here then quitting again for the 3rd or 4th time, it's really a torture to repeat this kind of pain in life, I really can't do anything about it but just go with the flow of their choice.

I don't know where's an easy job to get, I really think I will end up working at McDonalds, I really becoming a nobody in life, my strength is not even like a soldier, it's just too weak, I don't have support like a friendship in my life, everyone is gone their own ways in life, I really can't do anything about it, people got life from the strength they have, I probably should become someone that go to masjid everyday for free food even maybe, it's really hard I truly becoming someone useless and I can't do anything about it.