Day 244 out of ward(292 on medications)

I really can't do anything it's so hard my life, now still backpain but I'm going to send my clothes to CleanMarks later, it's over my working life at there, I regret the feeling had to be this way and it happened multiple times, it means I must not heed IMH except about taking medicine because they don't give me my money and repetitively put me in a place that I always fail and don't get my salary, it's really stupid and a secret torture like a strapped jacket treatment about my money, I don't think it's a good way to treat me and I am not becoming someone valuable to my country, I just end up becoming a useless person in the end, they didn't help me anything about my life as fact if my earnings I do not receive.

Today I dreamt of Aby alot and her brother too, for all night until morning 9a.m, it's really a sad experience and I dreamt of her instead, we went out to drink bubble tea together, we walk on bridges, just 3 person with extra girls and guys like clones of Aby and her brother. I didn't have my life as per normal and yesterday I was in a shock that my brother have a son kind of life been going on then I missed all the growth of his son, it's such a waste my life I didn't experience taking care of baby or anything it's just so short my memories.

I remembered about Wahdiah posting like a marriage wear kind of photo on Instagram, I think she just wanted to create me memory loss and a lot of anger by the assumption of her wearing like that it means she tunang or married someone already, my life is really useless when I don't take medicine people abuse me into losing my memories and create misunderstanding that I have to "break off" with someone as the solution, negativity as a solution into my life as my experience and doctors still just goaling about "no money if smoke" like a childish treatment. It means I'm not becoming a president different than story of doctor, don't know he made me berangan that I will become somebody in life. It's really crazy I shouldve continued hacking life at that time when doctor stopped me.

Right now I would still be in pleasure of spying computers then doctor is just being like this to me losing all my fun for a good job but they did this to me. I wonder what it will feel like to be enemies of doctor because I imagine making love with his soulmate, I should've done that after he got a child then it would impact correctly, because he can just find a different girl as fact.

My life became really crazy everyone on their own life path for so long and I'm still stuck in the past due to schizophrenia, I really can't do anything except taking medications now it feels like I will be warded on 29th June again, it's like an extreme secret torture this schizophrenia and they are not being nice to me knowledge is from the money that they don't want to give to me. It's really too much, I probably would wait for doctor to get a next girl then do it again, it's just too much I need a way to make him as my true enemy anyway so my heart feels satisfied.