I feel so unhappy having calculated of getting money then actually I don't get my money, it's so bad the feelings, it promotes a kind of "too much anger" but I somehow didn't memory loss, I only feel like the world is different like my brother have a son and I have a nephew already, life actually been going on for them while I'm still stuck in suffering, I feel like I am abit insane as fact, it's really bad and nobody is around to guide me, people just having their own life relying on doctors that then decide things their personal wish kind of way, I really can't do anything about it, it's really a heavyweight to carry in life, having this backpain it is something like that mentally, I'm somewhere in pain and like an injured person, even my wrist in pain, I definitely in pain somewhere mentally, I read a quote that missing someone is like physical pain, it's definitely the same, I maybe miss someone then I experience another kind of physical pain from this schizophrenia, I don't know why it's like that, nobody cares to support my life or health, they only pay for me medicine and that's it, I didn't really receive true support for health to be guaranteed.
It feels like I will be warded again in June, it's like I won't see July outdoor again this year, I really don't know why it's like this, I'm definitely taking a lot of videos and photos in I.M.H if I'm warded, I want people to feel guilty for putting me in ward, it's definitely a crazy place and somewhere not nice to be at, it's really crazy then nobody tried to take me out faster than their schedule 1.5mths in ward, it's really harsh but I am imagining another 1.5mths in ward but this time with my android ready, its really heavy I don't know what to do, why people do my life like this? Isn't 38 years old my age of recovery? Why are they like this to me? I don't feel good at all.
I don't know what to do during the 45days in ward next time, it's like a prison, with Android as I will be bringing my phone, then I feel something different daily like getting to use my phone to play internet, then there's really no life for me, people don't care that I am in a spot that everyone loses their memories multiple times and even thinking they've been in ward for the first time maybe, it's too much why is doctor doing this to me? The ward is dangerous place it's open to be attacked kind of life and have big bodied people that's crazier like an insanity but we are in the same ward, why is it like this? Why it seems like people are enjoying what I go through, like an applaud if I finish it in ward? Why is it like this? I only have 2 months to go before the feeling of being warded again, it's really harsh I have nobody to help me at all, my life is gone for the next time but why is my recovery at 38 years old then? Why will I be warded then? Why Sakinah don't treat it like everyday could be a death day for me then meet me instead? Why is she like that? Why Wahdiah and Shahridah also like this to me?
I don't know what's their true feelings for me, it seems like they enjoy I kept losing my memories to drag the years further, instead of having someone to become my memory-support, I'm let to endure this kind of vision(in future), then anticipate the madness to happen to me, then when it happens I'm helpless all over again, "having to complete a kind of phase" set up to me, it's really crazy why nobody is talking to me about the cure of schizophrenia? My enemies definitely going to enjoy my sufferings in life like this, none are not helpful to me at all, it's all nice words when the time comes that I became agreeing or liking the treatment then when the times over its like another hell treatment to go through, it's tricky and nothing that saves my life.
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