The addiction of hacking computers exist then anhedonia also exist because I started to feel bored and too easy to hack, that's how I start planting videos and playing it at loud volumes at victim's computer speakers. It's really weird my life, the addiction to hack is so fun then doctor ruined my spree and stopped my hacking experiences, it only lasts for 1 day everything, means there's no 2nd day of hack etc. other than the one permitted by doctor to hack at Sadiq's house, Naim's own computer, luckily doctor re-energize me by this to allow hacking kind of feeling like a job in my life, I truly want a hacker's life. If I ever have to experience jobclub again this year, I think I would not and just skip jobclub, it's too hard for me, I don't want a dishwasher job again because of the backpain, it's really sad I am not strong for something like that.
I wonder what kind of writer I will become when I was wanting to write in ward, then in the end i became a blogger again, I didn't write journals like I plan to, like a diary of my pain in life, blogs became a different idea like wishing for Sakinah to be my life partner, it's really bad it's the only path for her attention that I don't even get attention of other girls during my primary and secondary school days, I am someone not secretly loved or liked or admired, people just forget about me. I'm nobody special kind of aura.
I wonder what I will become if I start writing journals, the goals are to quit smoking, earning money, making my body, eat medicines daily, only these then I would write a journal? Nobody will support me anyway, I won't have money to buy junk food as a journal writer, but it would maybe create me a memory for my future wife or children, of my recovery days, I definitely plan to be having a journal one day, I don't know why I just want them to know my life experience in the past but how long can I keep going, why a journal is only 1 day 1 page? A blog is too many 1 day due to repetitive writings?
I hope and wish for a nicer life, it's so hard to grasp in life, doctor only suggested JOD to work at then there's nothing more other than this CleanMarks, then I quit both, I really don't know what to do, how I can gain income in life if it's true that doctor interfere in my getting of jobs by cancelling them away? I should wait patiently for money? Why is it so long to happen in my life? Will people pity me when they see the crazy people in ward? Because there's no photos in my Facebook, people think it's a good treatment, but the smelly kind of worries in my head when I was there really turns me into a mad man like a vibration of my head into anger and loss my memory, but it's weird doesn't it means I actually lose my mind when I'm too happy or too angry? Why did it happen to me, why others don't experience the same as me?
Right now I feel like buying sausage bread at shop, there's a new menu about it and it makes me happy, the price is around $3-$4, then I am stressed about money all over again. I only have 3 months+ left until August money, it's so long but I got to hold on, this time I will keeping the money I get for a long time instead of finishing too quickly, I really hope I don't end up in ward too in June and see my first July outdoor in Singapore, it's a special month and it's birthday of my 1st sister, special month because I never experienced July outdoor like my entire life maybe? I've been like this since kids days that I don't remember but my mother choose to say only twice in ward, it's really hard im treated like a crazy man that lose memory all the time, it's sad people treat it as nothing, at least doctor didn't keep making me lose my memory I guess, Wahdiah did, Shahridah didn't stop my anger somehow she just left me all alone. It's weird they rather I lose my memory than believing wrongly, the pain in heart is felt even if I lose memory after believing wrongly then it's stuck in my heart the pain, why did I get heartache from Alysha for so many years in my life? It's like a burning physical pain but my family didn't sue her at all, I'm annoyed how she truly get to stretch her education until University instead of dying away into schizophrenic world also, she should be mentally treated but at the same time I wish she don't receive or do her treatment well, so the pain is more felt in her body, that one day my 2nd sister will believe it as a physical pain is felt even if it's called a mental sickness, doctors didn't explain to them at all, it's weird and sad they just believe it's not pain because a mental sickness, nobody believe I was in pain at all. They just live their life like an order of ruling into my life for me to perform and live it, its just crazy.
I have 2 more months to worry about being warded again, 5 more days it's my injection day, then 11th May is seeing doctor again hopefully it's a new medicine too, it's really crazy, I really don't want to be warded again but they are like this to me.
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