Maybe it's other jobs

About me doing full month of work, it's painful to believe that doctor lied to me, I really don't know, he knew about me planning to buy a journal last year to write my goals, it's difficult in life, I don't know what will happen to me after quitting this job, it's just a continuous hardship to feel I imagine it really lasts until August, it's really bad I have to go through this. I don't know when I will start writing a journal, I look at 360 pages kind looks attractive to buy, but I only want a true feeling of recovery kind of experience not just writing for the sake of attention or life wishes, my plan is for my future children to see my life at 38 years old when doctors said I will recover, then it's the start of journal.

I plan to write something about what doctor said, but I realized I kept forgetting the exact thing of what doctor said, so I don't know how to tell my future children a story of my life, especially mixed of Alysha's stories to make-believe as doctors' etc. words, it's really annoying, my peace really got taken away by her, but it's weird feelings too, if not because of Alysha, I wouldn't meet Aby(Shahridah), because I thought I was in break-up with Wahdiah, it's really weird I don't know what will happen in future, I have no one to help me like a guide and I think I should just forget about it, people are too occupied in their daily life to guide me to goodness, they only set rulings of what they think as good for me to do or follow, if not it's a consequences to experience, it's weird I'm treated like a child but nobody cares about it.

In future I realize when I write a journal, Sakinah won't get to see me anymore, it's been enough love expression to make her think of being/becoming with me, that I would stop blogging right away, it's really sad she don't give me any clue of her feelings, I don't like to feel like a soulmate, because it's definitely that she loves me back if I believe her as a soulmate, I should believe her as something else like "a friend I fall in love with", it's really just like that my life, I can't do anything about getting her to love me, I really liked how she keeps knowing my life, everything anything bad about me too, but I wonder if it's all okay for her to know, but it's the best like knowing secrets of men, if I'm a bad person etc. then what other nice looking men could be, it's like a nerd may be a hacker but then a nerd may be a paedophile, then actually I'm a nicer man that's just a hacker and not paedophile.

Really thinking hard what will exist in journal, will it be my writing of car license? Will the timing all be all right or I will have to chase for this wishful feeling to come true? It's really annoying how people actually ignoring me, like having nothing to say is too much, I really feel like everyone started to have a ruling idea to my life for me to experience if perform the ruling like "no smoking", it's really not nice to not help me quit smoking but just decide for me to not smoke, I really don't want to feel bad in life, smoking gives a kind of pleasure that the pain gets removed away.

It sucks how I cant quote doctors' words for my future children to read because of the confusion with Alysha, then I can't really tell my stories of my life. I hope I find a nice journal book to buy and become a writer for my future children 1 day. It's hard I definitely want a different feeling, but doctors really not helping me achieve it, just a ruling to go through or experience the consequences, it's weird nobody sued doctor secretly for me, it's unfair this way my hard earned money gone just like that.