Found the book

I found its $7.80 for the journal, then I don't feel like buying yet because of the feelings I have it feels like nothing, it's due to anhedonia I don't feel something like a true pleasure, it may be like buying the console but it's still less than $10, no harm buying maybe, it's not yet June anyway. I really think I should be a writer type of life, I really don't know how to quit smoking, my mind became hazy and my eyes like blur, craving for the cigarette, it's really harsh I only smoke rolled tobaccos, it costs $18.50 for the big size brand "Flower", I really don't know what I'm going to do, I just have to continue to feel better in life, I can't like a dull feeling kill my life, it's maybe due to anhedonia I feel this way, I really have no other solution in life but to kick the anhedonia away by smoking, its the least pleasure like obtaining what our body needs it's really just like that.

I realize how doctors actually won't help me and I have to go through this myself, means I will quit smoking 1 day but no idea when is it, it's really dumb, it's just change of medicine then it's over the anhedonia, I can feel pleasure all over again and my life will be okay, it's almost 1 year I feel anhedonic, other than the spike of meth last year in ward, then I felt something, it's really crazy the feelings like why I wasted it instead of feeling more, I am just a weird man that became hating meth due to the hot temperature it created me to feel, I felt hot entire body for a long time, there's even like a spike feeling in my body that don't end, it's just the tissue version of it I guess, can't be that our body system really got rid of it when it's actually like a tissue that won't go away, like a bubble tissue wrap thing, I wonder why my luck to be spiked like this for so many years so many times since teenage days, its really crazy nobody helped me before and it's real experience in my life, nobody thinks why the spiker isn't caught for so many years too, I think because his name is the same as First President of Singapore, then if he's caught it's as if the first president sounds like a criminal's name, it's something like that. I remember I will become tattooing myself entire body if I will ever enter prison, it's something like that in my decision, i have schizophrenia for so many years, cant be that I want to be in prison. My life waste away just like that, it's like my effort for money then doctor stuck my money, it's really horrible decision to experience something like this is bad, I really don't know what to do about it.

The readers quantity became like a normal understanding of how a blog functions, it's suppose to rise sometimes then it's only 1 post, I don't know the attention, but the readers definitely understood it as I will end blogging 1 day to write the journal, it's just a plan to be writing my experience "ever since 38 years old, doctor said I will recover" then my writing start at that age, I don't know if it will be in English or Malay, but probably mixtures, I imagine I'm 38 this year, in 10 years then my children can read my book, then I don't know what age I will have children, it's really close to 50 years old, it's really a long time. People do not worry that I don't get a girl by the amount of money they gave me is like nothing, only my brother gave me money knowing it's for my own spendings. It's night time now, I plan to write journal at 38 years old every night, it will be a short writing everytime hopefully filling the entire page everytime, it's 360 page the one I plan to buy, I just have to skip 5 days so it's not 1 year full. Journal is really a daily writing right I think? I will try my best for my children.