Today is my working day, I'm feeling heavy but I really remember the other doctor telling me that I will go maximum days to work except off days and the days I missed from misunderstanding, it's really harsh but I really got lucky like not get kicked out of job, today is a working day and I want to be successfully completing my working days to get salary this month finally, it's really difficult but I really want this job I really have to keep it by going to work every working days, somehow I hope they give me more relaxation but it's already quite relaxed kind of job, its maybe I need a lot of plain water before work that's all. It's about 3hours+ left before going to work and I hope someone can help me feel the excitement of working. The world war energy is still around especially the speech of P.M Lawrence Wong about being together in this war, it really helps me to vision myself as someone that is working as dishwasher still, earning money to save for world war is really something important to do, the place is really nice people too that I hope I last long at there and do not panic easily. I easily panic from the rushes of new jobscope maybe, then I really think it's okay when it's actually just picking plates/bowls and utensils then putting in box as the difficult part of this jobscope I haven't done before.
I'm planning to save my money to not regret like anhedonia causes me unable to play my RG477V, it's really sad how the feelings didn't rise into happiness when I play games, the dullness and boredom exist. Yesterday I am supposed to dream something sexy but then anhedonia killed the feelings then I suddenly feel dull too, it's quite crazy I hope someone educated about schizophrenia actually talk to doctor for me about my feelings and try demand that I don't need to work at all and just be given money by my parents.
I'm sad at 38 years old I'm just a dishwasher, but when reminded of Mdm Halimah Yacob, she's the real energy of my working life that I need to keep working and earning this sum of money to be healthier in life, having money to last me until August will be very nice feeling. It's really harsh how I thought I got the correct attention, then I imagine "it's only collecting of writings from me" to save as data in case needed, then what's nice is I didn't become like Amos Yee hearing all the voices then I typed them out, in public it will seem like my mindset is like that instead, by fact I wrote them because of voices into my head, I wonder who are they why Alysha became like a Satan too, it's harsh and crazy and heavy for me to live with her voices around trying to ruin my mind or make me handicap in my thinking skill, I don't know why she extent to try make me insane and stupid-looking, it's sad that I kept hearing voices like "Keturunan Rasullullah(s.a.w)" and thinking I'm Dajjal bloodline having to war with Islam 1 day, I thought Love and White Magic will save me and feeling like a "rejected from being a Muslim" was in my heart and mind, it was scary the schizophrenia lasts so many years and I'm let be without recovery or reminder from doctors, but suddenly just taking medicine every 29th June inside ward over and over again, it's really bad they didn't talk something exciting for me but let me go through the pain all by myself.
It feels like an adult having to work as dishwasher over and over again, but it's only 6 hours anyway, I definitely must keep working here, I really think I should do well working here, I completed 4 days without a problem and this week is 5 days to complete and I guess I should be fine, why doctors let me hear voices that my neighbour would be joining me at workplace, doctor joining at workplace, Ustaz Harun joining at workplace? It's maybe Alysha's voices right I think? I thought like I would have a friend at my workplace then communication is so hard at there because of language barrier but I'm just making myself work hard everyday to last long in the workplace. It's an easy job, it's true the job is physically tiring, but the big fan keeps the sweat away from our body, it's only the hot vapour from dishwashing machine making my hands wet and looking like perspiration.
I truly hope my friends contact me, it's 500gb data this time the happiness have increased about my mobile usage, I really think if someone contact me would be a nice feeling but it feels like friends have forgotten me, like worried if I would ask for money as fact, I'm not the type that's like that but schizophrenia can make me a different personality type of person, it's really bad then people will see me as a mental problem and don't know how to help or support me to recover faster.
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