Day 243 outside ward(291 on medications)

Today I feel tired and heavy, but I remember doctor saying I will go to work for full month except off days and the days I missed, I really should try keep on going to work, yesterday's work was like crazy I scrub a lot and it's tiring, I got a feeling it's the same today and wonder if it will happen, it's really a boring work yesterday. The happiness imagining $1600/mth still energize me and Mdm Halimah Yacob was a cleaner makes me want to continue working, it's heavy but I really feel like continuing at the same time, it's like a dilemma. Remembering doctor's words that if take medicine I can work, I really try my best to keep on working, it's only 2/5 today not an ending week yet.

My recovery is not settled yet, today I hear voices when I bath like a chanting of repetition of a song, it happened yesterday at work but I ignore it, it's really crazy the voices of small girl but I really don't know if it's Alysha, sometimes I was made to make smaller voice too due to the stress of voices, it's really difficult a life with schizophrenia is like battling insanity from inside our own body.

Yesterday I dreamt alot but I forgot the dream, it's bad to keep forgetting then nobody can know my dream meaning, I really hope I gain answers like if I will continue working such thing, instead of just rampaging myself to the workplace and work, it's really hard I want to feel comfort that people can give but choose not to, I have nobody to talk to except I ever thought the readers are doctors that I will get my attention about jobclub money, none of the readers reminded me I ever been to jobclub then they let me continue not getting my money. It's really heavy and I can't know how to be strong without money, I calculated myself to have enough then they didn't give me my money, I think its really like something evil to experience things like this, I ever failed at this job and didn't get my salary but they put me at the same location again, it's really bad my life experience, it's no use having adopted parents if none give me money to support my life. I end up thinking like a beggar and like a humiliated feeling for being stressed into having no help, like a fake independence training.

As my 2nd day of the week, I really hope I can go to work, it feels like heavy because yesterday was extra tiring, I really don't know what to do, I hope someone just help me and give me money instead so I can focus fully on my medications, it's the main goal anyway but they are doing this to me, I really don't know what to do now, I feel bad and unhealthy.