Day 247 outside ward(295 on medications)

Yesterday was celebration of my 2nd sister's birthday, it was happiness, I felt like it's the 2nd or 3rd time but Dina said no, I guess she's wrong but expected to believe it's my first time there, it's harsh but my memories really don't side me and I cant remember properly, they really doing a repeat to my life over and over again, I don't know why or understand why but it would usually be exact occurrence then I'm the only changes to see what I say or did. It's really different feelings when I take medicines.

I have been taking medicine continuously for so long. Just 70 days left to be 1 year on medications, I'm expecting to remember a lot of stuff, the weight on my head really builds up like something physical, I guess all mental sickness when remembering something is like this.

Yesterday I dreamt of bicycle ride and wearing a metal mask to prevent injury to face, I wonder what it means, I am sad that Sakinah have taken doctors away for her life strength but I don't know my dream meanings this way, she's really someone difficult or impossible to get, then I don't know how it's working to become my wish, I imagine maybe she gets disgusted as I imagine a child with her due to requiring to be naked and have sex for a child, then she have no feelings for me, it's really sad my pure true love didn't impact like a white magic kind of help. God didn't grant her feelings for me and she didn't think my effort are really special, she really just like throwing the doctors away on the day she tunang with "Nur Iman", it's really sad my doctors effort are so special that we can began to feel something nice in our heart but she just leaving everyone already, now I don't know her current situation at all and she left me blinded of knowledge about her.

I'm really happy how Simba boosted my plans into 500gb, I saw 4500 free sms is so fun, in the past just 1000 free sms is enough then they gave so much for a $10/mth plan. I'm happy how life became into imagination of how I vision it to be, then it makes like all future reality is actually my vision that I already knew. It means Sakinah will one day marry me? I wonder the truth about doctor if I will really take O-level next year then A-level at U.S.A, it's going to be Iran-US War but I really enjoy the love stories that happens in U.S.A, I really want a love like that, it truly feels magical like white magic exist. I don't know why the love of Islam didn't impact like a white magic helps the love story, it's because of Sakinah didn't accept me immediately maybe? I really zikir a lot and selawat alot to get her love, then everyday I ever prayed every Ramadan for her to hit the Lailatul Qadar, but then it didn't work, I really feel bad my prayers are left let be like Allah don't exist, why Allah made me feel nothing about my effort?

I remember the weight of schizophrenia last year was felt around April too last year, then I started to lose my memory from May and June I think, I really must be stronger this time and hold on by continuing to take medicine daily, then maybe I will not miss a memory this time, it's weird I really try my best to not enter ward but the feeling like I will enter ward again, I really hope Ustaz Harun talks to me stuff like Psychic but I really hope he help me get Sakinah instead and a lot more, I really don't know my love story, will I live in U.S.A like story of doctor? I really want a house with garden of my own, my babies will definitely be happy having a garden and living like a rich person, I really don't know what my life going to be like in future, the moment of change is really close, by stories of doctor I will be 38 years old onwards then I will change a lot, I so far only smoke rolling cigarette and like 2 or 3 double roll each time per day, it's really little, I truly hope I will recover from cigarettes and become a changed man.

I'm so sad about my strength in life then I imagine becoming a soldier like my nephew Jafni, it's really hard to become a soldier I guess, he's grown so strong, I remember in S.A.F I will become someone that require protection and famous in knowledge of soldiers because I am a hacker that require the protection, the top hacker in the world is a Singaporean and it's me, story of doctor is like that. I'm so happy about knowing my future like that but I am not sure if it's true at all, it's really amazing if I become a hacker and soldier at the same time, if I really learn Psychology then a psychological hacker soldier? Wow I really will learn how to fight? In my life I never learnt to fight before, I don't know martial art I only know sparring like street fight, I don't have any martial art skills at all, I'm so weak I vision myself as that, just a weak man ambitious and dreamy about my life.

I hope 1 day I will learn martial arts from doctors, because doctors are psychic they are the only one that can create my body movements to fight, because I think it's necessary to understand and believe doctor, the belief is not so strong yet though.

1 doctor ever told me I would get $1400/mth first month of work, but I don't know what job it is, why is like that? Why the doctor didn't remind me about it and let me quit this CleanMark job? It's really weird I really hope for a guidance but no doctors giving me guidance, I feel the I.M.H have ruined my life effort because of penalty to pay instead, it's really sad I work hard for money then "pay penalty" for being in pain at workplace if continue working. I really have no support or friendship level of help or care of someone truly strong in status, nobody help me at all.