It have a date and day on top, so I don't think I will write like [Date](Time) but still I really don't know yet, it's a waste of page if I only write 1 date on 1 page. It can be multiple dates on 1 page to save pages. I remember like doctor telling me I will get money from government, $850+$600 making it $1450, so it's not really a work money that I get for my first month? It's really harsh doctor is psychic like that and even knowing Khamenei will be killed by US-Israel "this time", it proves psychic power kind of talks existed but I am disappointed how I dont know or confuse about how much I will earn, it's really bad I really want to remember story of doctor, I remember I would buy patchwork long sleeve then meet Sakinah finally this year, then I'm still not sure yet too, psychic power is amazing I hope they tell me when I will start working and what I will work as, I really loss my memory and they choose not to remind me at all. I wonder if my journal will be worth it to write stuff, it's really sad life experience, I think I'm titling the book as: "Age of Recovery: 38"(then the book's date), it's really bad I can't remember fully what doctor said, it's also disappointing how it's actually government money as the next income of my life, it's crazy I am jobless for so long and nobody cares about it, I wonder what can make my heart truly feel something again, I feel the anhedonia is actually killing my happiness as I want to enjoy doing stuff but then I am not.
It's close to 12pm and it's Apr 18 2026, nobody that's my friends have contacted me yet, don't know why they let me suffer with schizophrenia all alone, I don't get the medical care from people but only medicine bought from hospital by my parents and that's all, I really loss my memory so many times in life then don't know why it's April but still no recovery yet, it's really harsh my life, I wish somebody pity me and help me like an instruction book to perform, I then imagine if Ustaz will tell to Solat, I wonder why its like that, life can be easier then I feel I have no chance to heed anyone at all too.
My future babies will be psychic as told by doctors, so they maybe know I'm writing this, I wonder about their daily life as a sperm if they sleep or not or always swimming around, it's really boring as psychic they can see my life or not? Their features have not mixed with their mother's D.N.A, I wonder what they actually looks like, definitely looks like me when they're babies, I'm really becoming like a crazy person thinking of my future babies. I've stopped eating chicken chop with tomato rice for now due to gaining weights but I guess babies will still be healthy 1 day, I don't know when or how but I wish doctor tell me more about my future, that they just shut up for so long for me to remember but then I got mixed up with Alysha's version of stories, it's really sad how I become normal again and not knowing my future again many times.
I really wonder what I will write about, I hope someone appear in my life so I can hangout every weekend or weekday again, I'm so lonely in life and I have nobody in life, nobody is appearing to comfort me but just knowing I am on medication and that's it, it's almost 1 year and I still havent recovered fully due to memory loss and confusion of Alysha's sentences, don't know why nobody pity me to punish her that I don't think about money anymore and just gain from her being penalized, it's really sad my life.
As a man that want to become a father, I still have no clue who will be the mother unless I feel like a schizophrenic or lovesick moment, Sakinah is the mother of my 6 sons that I will have 1 day, it's really sad how she tunang even if knowing this kind of future was told by doctor then regarded it as just my imagination or doctor toying with me because I'm schizophrenic I became like a child instead. Nobody cares the matter of love as something true and real and just let me be in difficulty without pity, help or support from Sakinah. She let me go through my life struggling to be strong and have nobody guiding me, thinking what I am doing as something okay other than knowing they dislike if I smoke anything. The start of journal book already will happen tonight but the real feelings is nowhere to reach or appear in my life, nobody is helping me I don't know why they regard repetition as something okay in my life, they just don't tell fe stuff or let me forgot what I have been told, it's really sad nobody is repeating to energize me further more.
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