Need to destress

I really feel heavy how I must be writing in journal every night, it would really be a different feeling, but this 1 year proves my uncaring family is like this, they just need me to take medicines I guess, it's really a no life because have to plan for jobs, it's really weird I am surviving on my own without any help, I don't understand this kind of treatment at all, but June I still wonder if I will enter Ward, then 11th May change of medicine will I have to enter ward also/again? It's really difficult I don't have anyone to rely on but plan life myself, 1 year is over so quickly it seems that way, my mind feels compacted like filled with so many things, I wonder when memories that bring good to my life will happen, the judgement of 2 years or yearly it's like this means they really not helping me anything like pushing me into a different feeling in life, I really still survive by myself, I'm too sick for anyone to care, it's different than imagination of Hisyammuddin, real care was given and he's luckier how he don't experience schizophrenia like me.

I will go down to buy pen later to write every night, hopefully it's not a different bad feeling but a different good feeling happens in my life, it's so hard everyone is living life like an ustaz never got bored teaching Islam continuously for so many years, I get bored easily and don't know how to live my life since it can't be like my past always branded clothing and expensive when I was primary and teenager, I really wasted my money and didn't enjoy my working life due to bad friends, my woodlands friends are gone none accompanies my life and they don't seem to search for me as my phone is still quiet, I wonder what we will talk about but it's definitely common sense like work, difficult days still happen in my life while everyone else escaped the pain themselves about money already. It's really hard but it's really like this the reality having nobody cares for real and it's no joke, I don't even have a computer to enjoy my life, anhedonia kills my energy to play games and I lost the feelings without mercy, I really don't understand why God created me this way and feeling my life having nothing everytime, like why I became a useless person? It's really harsh but life really like this, everyone else dont get bored in their life and have a life while I'm dying in the boredom of life without pity.

Time moves so slow on me while it moves fast on others, then 10 years feels like nothing to them even if I'm missing from their life, my heart is really like a useless man and I don't understand the attention I get if it's good or bad too. It's hard to understand about the girls I love if they ever had sex with anyone such thing, but I really think I've lost such pleasures long time ago, I'm turning 38 but I'm like a dying person with no life achievement especially, people don't regret treating me this way and I have a dull daily life everyday, I don't know why they don't pity me that my life is meaningless but they are real about it.