I think to just experience life like what they can't give me, but just daily is the same normal thing until I work and quit work, it's still the same I experience no growth at all and no growth of pleasure anyway due to anhedonia, they also don't become interesting and always the same, I don't know why they're killing my heart like this but it's their version of care = give medicine, I dont know what my future children would think of this type of care, I definitely won't want them to suffer like me but give them the richest feeling if I can work 1 day.
I don't know what I'm going to work as, it's like my money is from government only and not a hard earned one, one day, it's really 4 months of wait until government money.
I don't feel the beauty of life, right now my mother is at my nenek's house accompanying her, and they are just living their life as per normal, I don't know why doctors are not close to ask me for solutions that I can get better but really no fun information in life at all. It's so close to 19th June and I'm not giving up yet.
I feel like stop counting the days I've done well in life but maybe I will become someone skinny again then it means I would be healing or recovering, gaining weight definitely add difficulty to my life like I can't sit up or push up well, but people grow fat without worries at all and can still work, I am probably just having "mental problem", it's sad to be this way I can't do well in life like proper fitness in life, I gave up fast in life, then I don't know if I will ever work again. It's reaching the birthday like clueless if someone really giving me money on my birthday, I really don't know if it's just a story, but they said I will recover at 38 years old, then it means I will have within 12 months left still, but 38.5 years old will be January 2027, and maybe I am taking O-level, I'm so late in life I hope my life becomes successful.
Maybe I won't meet anyone new in life because I can't go out daily I have nothing to do means I won't bump into girls or girls I know, it's really hard my life not having any girls at all, I'm unstable by my mind and no one is holding on for me things to get in life, I only have wishes all these while when I can't work to get what I wish for, the job life is hard to happen that I will work well or properly, I really cant find a stable job for myself. People don't know that I suffer in life because I am often at my sofa most of the time and it's been 1/3 of year as it's April the time really flies so fast.
I didn't get attention from Sakinah like I feel agitated or like a tantrum heart, it's so painful but she don't estimate or imagine all this because she just will do such feelings to me anyway, I don't know why she can't care me the way I wish for? What does she sees in "Muhammad Nur Iman"? The monkeyface just attracted her heart? It's weird, I still remember in M.R.T when I was with her he masturbate instead of being worried, it means I'm too easy to win or what? He's useless didn't appear for her, I really don't like my heart or life with such things like this happening. If jodoh kene usaha, then it's really still like 1 sided and I cant take doctors of my relatives away from her for her to feel having nothing in life back, maybe they are not really risking her away that way, but I dont know, I just feel like if I can control doctors and relatives, I would get her a bit faster and maybe even long time ago if Alysha wasn't around. It's really sad my life my expression of love macam masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan, she don't care as fact.
It's sad like that but people actually didn't make me realize they are living their life and maybe nobody reads my blogs like my Facebook story having 0 viewers everytime, maybe it's robots at blogpost, I really don't know, then I thought it's attention of people to tell my parents stuff for me to get an easier life. I think no one is helping is the summary of my judgement on my life, I really feel heavy everyday and I'm just unlucky I have a sickness known as schizophrenia. There's no recovery for it making people just telling me to eat medicine everytime instead, it's really sad and cruel and my life is not going to become any better just by that, I really need to work and I can't get a job anywhere yet, stories of doctor is more important but they don't want to tell me anything anymore, I am so bad luck in life like this.
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