No idea

I don't know what to be happy about, its like people don't want me to live well, I'm so bored like crazy at home and have nowhere to go, I don't have any friends, I thought many people would buy RG477V and I start to gain friends, then life didn't become like that, I am like having a repetitive disorder like a character or personality stuck into telling the same thing like someone with bipolar disorder keeps repeating the same thing over and over again, it's so boring, I really don't know what can help me gain a better life, I don't know why I bought stuff like Adidas hoodie, longsleeve hoodie, in the end I didn't go fishing at all, I didn't even go out to have fun too, I feel like I am not gaining anything in my life. My life keeps going downwards and no achievement, it's a little the $311.28 I get from my salary, I wonder why the quote tells to not tell salary btw? I work so hard for 7 days then it's only like that as salary. I don't know what I should do, I didn't discipline myself to heed quotes and just write my salary.

When am I going out 1 day, where to? I need like a lot of $1000 many times, I need Hari Raya to end to play bicycle again, my life is really slow, I don't gain a lot of things in life, I wasted money I feel then I just maybe will become anhedonic once I get what I wanted in life, I suddenly feel bored, everytime my eyes turn white I will suddenly feel unhappy over and over again, the feeling of meeting Sakinah was different, even if I loss memory my eyes turned white because of it, I don't lose pleasure looking at her I don't know why she did such thing to me, it's really sad like an experimented person, I don't know if she cares or pity me abit too. I plan to write journal only weekly or many dates in a page, like writing short journal example if I pass my car license to just write "I just got my car license", something like that, for that day and only that. I don't know I feel like I need a lot of space in my journal to hopefully last until next year.

Today I ate sardine with rice, mee rebus, rojak, then that's all, I drank a lot of cold water as usual because wanting my temperature down, my fan is spoilt it kept autoshut so I hold the controller to keep switching it back on after a while, just surviving like that first until my parents change the fan maybe 1 day.

Everyday I feel life as hard, difficult, harsh, complicated, boring - I don't know how to have fun anymore, medicine created anhedonia to me then it's almost 1 year of anhedonia then there's no help from doctor about it, I remember I would ever feel fine in hospital feeling like my sleep was good, then I loss the feelings for so long already, it's ever since I smoke in hospital maybe, I really don't know but it's that sad the feeling gone for so long, my head supposed to feel fine and improving but now it's not, I'm still slow and like a useless person, I still have a whole big pack of tobaccos to finish I think by May I will finish them, I really don't know, I'm just quitting cigarette already this time for the nice sleep and nice head feelings, I don't know why I can't stop now, it's just a bad feeling I don't like it to live in my heart or body.

In my room as I walk to and fro just now, I remembered about wanting to learn psychology so my mental becomes stronger, and it's the only way to live my life because I don't understand my sickness as something I feel forever, it's just so long I'm so unlucky being sick like this and people treat me normal instead of being very caring, it's really a hiking feeling because no one cares, nobody helps me up reach the peak of mountain, I'm in my own strength with medicines only, and I don't know how I can feel healthier in life.

I really remembered of doctor, it feels like I will only get almost $2K this year, I really didn't earn a lot - $311.28 from salary, $850 govt, $600 govt, $200 govt, it's really just $1.9k+, I don't know how to pass the $5000 in bank at least, the most I ever felt in bank was only $3000+, I am really a poor life, and I'm struggling alone. I don't know when I will be healthy, by June I hope I get a job, it feels like October I will get a job, but doctor only tell my low achievement as his knowledge of my future as only like that. He knew first that c-o-l will be risen to $600 is the thing I believe him as psychic and wanting to remember more of what he said, only when I'm like angry mentally unstable I will ask doctor stuff about future, it's just sad I'm a low achievement person like I type it so many times before.

If I remember correctly, it's like he said that I will work other dishwasher jobs for $1400? I really don't know, why is it that my father can work security so well 6 days a week but I can't even hang on to 1 job, I just need a job without backpain I guess. I hope I become a more intelligent person and I don't know how it can happen. I saw that P.M read a lot of books, he seem to have a lot of time in life while taking care of Singapore, life being someone of high achievement really end up becoming a book reader, it's my ambitious life that I can't achieve in life. I wish my family are more caring like taking food to me such thing because of my schizophrenia I really need to feel stronger, instead of telling to Solat such thing, even if I feel like wanting to Solat I really can't do anything when I can't. I hope someone find friends for me because my life is bad and boring, but I will be a useless friend that always have no money it becomes really sad and burden to others, then I think its okay.

In my room I was thinking of becoming a changed person, someone that acts successful even if nothing gain in life, like journal writing is one of my first step to imagine as a successful person, I know that intelligent person write journal since long time ago then I should be doing it too.