Day 248 outside ward(296 on medications)

I Really have only 2 months and 10 days until the usual warded day, I really don't know if I will be warded again or not, it's really tough and continuously happens every year, I kept losing my memory at that time I think this year is the final moment that I loss my memory and will remember it all, it's really harsh I remember I was having stomach ache then they still got me into ambulance anyway, life with schizophrenia really sucks and nobody prevents such thing from happening to me, I really don't know what to do but just get tied up to the seat and enter the van, it's really sad how schizophrenia repetitively do this to me, no one really helps me anything but made me go to the hospital instead, it's really harsh going through this kind of life alone, and then almost 1 year now the family treatment is still the same, there's no growth of pleasure in my life but just the same everytime. I dont know why I'm made to endure this alone, will I get a psychology cert for this without entering school? It's really hard the imagination because I remembered hearing doctor saying I will become a doctor at 38 years old, it means Alysha was the one that made doctor said that, she's really annoying disturbing a normal conversation that's suppose to make me happier because of knowledge of future then it happens.

Right now I'm happy about imagining I will have $10K cash when I use this number, but I don't know when is it or how I will get it, maybe by fact it's just a dream, then this feeling happens every year for so many years, my parents really didn't remind me of Aby and Wahdiah but they let me live this life all alone, it's weird they don't give me a chance to get a girl by myself too, it would end up needing money to spend for the girl anyway, it's better to be with someone I already knew.

It's really such a heavy life to go through, the sunlight for the plant means money for me and it's only $311.28, it's really crazy the sadness is like that, it's too little and I have only such amount of earning and people are not angry or mad for me but they all live a normal life. It's sad my family all are like robots.