Imagining a journal life

I really wonder what I would write about, it's really maybe nothing about girls, I really don't know, because my future children will read it one day, then I can't imagine having children with other girls as fact other than Sakinah, it's weird she don't feel the same for me, it's hard to swallow and hard to believe, the clearer reality happens when she is with other guy until level like a marriage, it's really crazy and madness, I can't believe she did that even after my magical white magic pure love imagination of true love is always a white magic, it's really sadness for so many years, even until now, I feel like I have been fooled by doctor as they just want me to live my life first, I obtain or gain nothing in the end it's really hard and hurtful how I kept being sent to same location to fail over and over again, it's really a waste of my time, I wonder what job is it going to be that I will work at for 1 month, earning $1400/mth, as doctor definitely had said this before, if it's not CleanMark, what company will it be?

I only search for jobs at Facebook and nowhere else, I really don't know where to search for job, my life been made to become like a crazy man, I feel I should have a life but my life growth for almost 1 year it didn't even happen some niceness other than given $200 and $1000 from my brother, I wonder why it's like that, why is it that only my brother gives me imagination of life? Why my parents as parents gives me nothing but normal food daily? They're growing so old but then they doesn't seem to prevent me from going into ward at that time, they really didn't let me enjoy my time to not be inside ward, it's really hard and crazy.

It's like so many years of pain by Alysha and she successfully passed 20+ years old without feeling anything when she did me was when I was 17 or 18 years old, it's really madness, there's no balasan of Allah at all, she really going up in the status as a university person, instead of me supposedly maybe finish university at that time after N.S, then she appear to hurt me again, it's really bad I wish the retribution is closer but it didn't happen, why is it like this I have to imagine a high achievement of an enemy of my life when I have been downgraded into a normal person that's only like a dishwasher strength kind of person?

My imagination of a soldier life doing guard duty to come back home everyday didn't happen, I really want to become a soldier if I cant be a hacker or psychologist, it's really bad my life, I really want to go for cyber security but it's like a down syndrome wanting to join the Olympics? It's really crazy I am not strong at all, why is everyone like this to me instead of being supportive to make me stronger in life? My life is so heavy it feels like nothing the pleasure of life like gone and people still living their life without me. My nephew and niece have grown up without me seeing them really grow from small until big, it's too sudden, today items of Dina reach home, she really have grown up into buying stuff from internet, the life I was having McDelivery many times and ordering online from DX.com really is now felt by her, she's grown so big and maybe getting married soon, then if she have a baby first, my baby will be younger than hers? Why is my family becoming like this, it's so boring?

I don't know why it is taking 1 year for everyone to go away from my life and be normal to me, I have schizophrenia a mental sickness and nobody actually cares at all, the readers maybe from TikTok instead? I really don't know I obtain viewers before I post anything on TikTok, but it could be from last year's TikTok.

I really don't know what I'm becoming, broken family like my 2nd sister got a 2nd husband, then my brother divorce, it's boring family bond, but they're both achieving nicely about money while I'm growing old, it's turning 40 years old in 2 years+ then they're like this to me like not giving me life that I can feel the happiness, like being a reader every morning white coffee with a book, I really didn't become somebody intelligent as fact, I'm really such a useless man, my lifestyle is boring like a hang around until night time, then wishing for Sakinah daily, even imagining being her husband and ever during my schizophrenic days, I thought we would have babies from each other without having sex, it's really crazy, I thought me and babies will play Dofus together 1 day, and my imagination of being married at latest 27 years old didn't happen but thought I have a baby already with her, why is schizophrenia delusion like that? Is it story of Alysha that made me like that? Why if I don't take medicine I would hear her voice a lot? I'm so unlucky and there's no recovery. She's so irritating to my life and I don't know how to shut the voices too, medicine is my only way.