With all these money I have left, I need to last until August and it's 3months+ to go, it's really so difficult and I have to bear with it, I wonder if it will be enough, will I survive or not such thing too, they really didn't let me feel like having $1000/mth something I don't feel my entire life because when I was earning $1400/mth, I wasted my money alot every month. I didn't have good friends back then, I don't have a savings-type of friendship but people always have no money kind of colleague, it's really bad I don't have anyone in my life. I don't know what's the use of so many adopted parents if each and everyone does not give me money, why they feel my mind can be stable this way? The only judgement maybe it's from doctors himself, that got me into feeling bad most of the time, that feels this is okay because they don't speak to my parents anything about giving me money.
I wonder when's the time I will experience a freedom of life, to imagine only weekends, I must work every weekday before O-level next year? Will I even take O-level? Or will I already give up? I really don't know what's happening to me, I receive no support from anyone at all, everyone living their own happy version of their life while I'm let to thinking a lot and suffer, medicine is the only thing on their mind that I take and that's enough for them, they didn't encourage me like supporting me with money except my brother, it's really crazy, I'm growing into becoming an insane person that plans to take O-level that thought 38 years old I will become a soldier and meet Wahdiah again, it's harsh the reality is that doctors didn't help at all and let me in my imagination as I think I'm right, then they let me be until the day comes I realize it's too late to become a soldier, and I am PES E9L9 anyway, a clerk during my national service, I'm really unhealthy person.
What's sad is that I don't know who my future children's mother unless I imagine Sakinah but she let me go through this life in imaginations and does not come to me at all, I wonder what's all the support I wish for her to have for then, it's really harsh, I think somehow she won't remember me 1 day for so long, and it's weird too if doctors helped me, actually the kissing of her and nur Iman wouldn't have happened, at forehead thing, it's really sad she dressed up all nicely and I get total memory loss multiple times, my life became heavy but she don't feel any of this, why would she be mine anyway because we don't suffer the same pain?
I think my parents really making me grow old without letting me try for any girls, because their decision is fixed, and they are willing I became like my aunt and uncle - not married, it's weird from me they don't desire a grandchild at all, I'm made to live quietly taking medicine everyday, becoming a useless man everyday, it's sad the torture is great but they don't feel torturing me at all, they just have their life daily feeling no guilt at all. It's weird kind of parenting and care, they just let me be to become a useless person without thinking what I want in life, the suffering is serious and they don't take a try to heal or cure me at all. My mother massage my head sometimes, I would imagine Sakinah's head being massaged too, it's really sad my life since 6 years old only keep thinking of Sakinah and she's not around even until today, it's crazy. I became a crazy man some minutes a day maybe.
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