My blogging journey will be nothing soon, then it's going to be left stranded, I will write nothing else soon, I think. I don't know how much my life will change but I don't feel like it's going to get better at all, there's no true feeling of an incoming achievement or success, I really feel nothing my entire life all these while and my parents let me be thinking like what Alysha had lied about for so many years until I thought I'm an orphan. Its like I can never be with them again because of schizophrenia, the imagination was too much and too hurtful and painful, so I really don't think like it is right that I will be in touch with them again, doctors didn't update me anything and it's a doctor-patient kind of talk everytime a visit to doctor, it's meaningless kind of needs like they should just give me medicines for 6 months like that instead then it's like no connection needed maybe, it's a no loss thing anyway, all the feelings could be from Alysha as she interfered my life like a shameless person, I feel that my life could be different if she don't exist, but the thing is I would never have met Aby if she don't exist, because would never have split up with Wahdiah, it's really crazy, I don't understand the occurrences in my life at all. It's so unfair and nobody is leveling me up to a standing-upright kind of feeling as I feel bad most of the time, but luckily not like a down syndrome, it's just a sad feeling most of the time.
It's sad even reaching 38 years old, my parents didn't give me money to try going out with the girls of my choice, I really can't work and can't earn then I'm left being a poor guy in the family, I think I'm the poorest among my relatives and family, it's sad the best uncle/cousin/bro in the world but life like this, I wonder what's the ranking for anyway, it is by doctor. They don't give me anything despite such achievement, only my bro given a total of $1200 within the year of treatment. I only have about 2+ months left until I reach 1 year then I guess the starting of my journal will be a boring writing.
Yesterday I dreamt about money too, about "what's worth it in life" if I spent "an amount" with "(a girl)", "is it worth it?" Kind of questions. It's a complicated dream, I wish I remember all, but all the girls were there in the dream except Wahdiah replaced by Iman Fandi, I wish have dream definition "with a celebrity" something like that, but I don't understand the dream meaning like a doctor would, I find it meaningless or random dream, every night I wish for a nice dream everyday ever since my schizophrenic days, life is just too difficult to feel pain all the time and all I need is a good dream. I'm awake most of the time in the morning until night time nowadays and I don't know how to get back my feelings in life again, it's really hard, I wonder what my future children will think of me being a useless person at "young"(when actually turning 38) age, single life of mine have no strength of money at all because of schizophrenia, it's so sad people let me be fooled by Alysha without suing her, maybe she's just too small and easy to die so people don't shock her with suing statements, maybe it's just too harsh, but nobody acts like they understand me, I live my life becoming a useless man for almost 1 year on medications, hoping to not be warded again. I wish my blogs will live on for my future children to read, it's really harsh I have nobody that support my life, I'm just a quiet person and a writer type of life daily for attention from the person I love to know about me, then I'm just living my life like breathing the oxygen to keep myself alive, it's a useless life I have, people are expressing happiness in life even if working hard, while I'm sad while doing nothing.
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