Day 250 outside ward(298 on medications)

I feel like life again when I have the journal, but then self-reminding myself that it could be the same as this year, there's no support at all except from my brother only, the rest is just some cash. The imagination of support is that I will be stronger to go search for Sakinah myself. I have deleted her photos because at Spotify still got "Nur Iman" the monkeyface at her playlist "Shafa", then I think of giving up yesterday about her, my heart feels fine and stronger to leave her alone, I think she don't appreciate my effort or know what I've loss(my doctors) to get her peace of mind instead of doctor talking to me for my strength due to schizophrenia, doctors really can make me happy or energized again and again due to stories like psychic information of future, but I really lost my doctors' efforts for her mind health, doctor ever said she will experience schizophrenia anyway, then I think she will hear voices too.

Yesterday I browse my photos and saw images of pondans and I wrote as lineage of Rasullullah s.a.w, it's the voices that made me do it, I thought I'm Dajjal having to war with Islam 1 day and thought I'm a sacrifice of Islam(like story of Alysha) rejected from Muslim Religion to become Dajjal. I really feel like an orphan for 21 years long that I feel like it's only 1 year, I don't know why my memories are so well about the past that happened but then schizophrenia is a lot of memory loss so actually is my memory good? Maybe it is if I take medicine like I can score 100% in all subjects in exam last time.

I remember doctor saying during my O level I will play this song repetitively, I've started listening to this song last 2 days and yesterday, I wonder why won't jelak but I remember it's like Jiwang Songs that I remember so many lyrics and hear so many times in my life.

It's a motivational type of song, I'm not this type of person but this song existed since 17 years old or older in my life, it's really sad when I hear jiwang songs I don't know about Android life people, I use Normal Phones even until N.S Days then when I grow up it's like 7 years(I saw my Facebook memories) that I use Android to play games and didn't really use Android until last year August I have a number at last, my other number was used only for awhile due to not being energetic of less than 100gb data(even if I don't hit the data limit) and I decided to not use it anymore, then the days happen that I bought this Line and story of doctor reappear as I got this number.

It's sad how Sakinah lasts long in the memories of applications like Spotify with monkeyface that looks like Adam Lambert, it means I am not special to her at all, I imagine her heart in love with someone else then I should've give up long time ago, I'm reaching 40 years old then I don't get her still it's the reality of life that God is harsh on me, I just imagine to become discipline man again like N-level days when I listen to this song, and hope the months pass by quickly to become 2027 and I have a life and don't worry about money anymore. I.M.H feelings is not nice how I will work as dish-collector then story by voices that I will only earn $200+ other than doctor's story that I will earn $1400(don't know what job) in a month, they(doctors) do not call me to tell me psychic information of my future then I am left to wonder what is right or what is happening in my life.

This song been so long ago first I heard it is from doctor visiting B.M.C academy, then I forgot about it, I kept losing memories of this song like face of Sakinah will make me memory loss, it's better to imagine that God help me to not remember her but then she's still in my mind like forever anyway even if I forgot I've met her before.

I decided to continue blogging because if I'm warded in June this year, I will blog my life inside I.M.H, it's really harsh life feelings to imagine myself having nothing everyday, because in I.M.H at Ward 35A can use Android while other wards phones are restricted.

People are living their life well while every year I enter Ward for so long so many years, this year I really don't know if I will be successfully out of ward, it's really sad and scary feelings approaching, I wonder when is the peace during schizophrenia, maybe only every night?

I hope readers listen to the song lyrics, it's really like someone knows about me, its like my life during N-level that I kept scoring high. But my dreams still don't come true, I want to become a psychologist for so long to understand a human in 1 look only, my belief of psychologist is like that. Then if I'm really becoming a psychic and snatching away Sakinah from anyone, then I still don't want her if she broke her virginity anyway, then I really don't know why she made imagination of her as someone that have lost virginity, like my soulmate imagination of knowing soulmate is like this, by fact I definitely must imagined her as loss her virginity to "Nur Iman", it's weird anyway it's like a Gorilla sex with a Human because he looks like Monkey. She definitely will have a horrible looking child even if a Wali Allah as said by doctor.