Deeply thinking of own life

I miss how life feels like, I used to buy durians myself, then sour tape, then McDonald's, then I feel I must work hard next week onwards, it's a tough life to go through this all alone, I really need support or help like someone talk to me but I really seem can't have anyone at all, my friends too occupied maybe they don't even contact me anymore, I wonder what is going to happen, I remember if my friends becoming Wali Allah, then maybe it's my turn too, I wonder what the jobs are like, is it all told by psychic of what a Wali Allah should do if want to help something? I really don't know, what are they doing anyway did they become someone pious like Solat everyday and zikir everyday, they're the only woodlands friends that usually hangout with me ever since 15 years old.

Now I have no one due to schizophrenia, Alysha created imagination of sex with my lover with all my friends' name I don't know how she knows maybe my phone was ever taken before or my MSN even? I really don't know. I miss the old life of having MSN messenger, I want such life back in communication with people, I want my old friends back, now I have taken medicine for almost 1 year, why my memories didn't recover for 21 years too? It's sad how I am trying to be stronger by myself, I understood the pain in I.M.H multiple times but I kept entering again, this time I must not enter and take my medicine, I only have about 66 days left, it's really something I must continue. The weight can be felt like I became lazy to use bodysoap, but then I remember doctor saying as long as I brush my teeth daily it won't ruin(break) and enough time for it to be safe/saved, hahaha. I really don't know what's happening, why is my life so painful in secret, why missing someone feels like a physical pain? Isn't this love sick? I really want someone else but I am a shy guy anyway it takes time to get to know, if in 2 years I'm becoming 40 years old, I'm already too late, I need to be fast like wanting the face first, so babies will be cute, such thing in my mind. Hahaha.

Today is Wednesday and it's so fast, I really don't know if R is coming to visit me, my working hours: 10.45a.m-15.00p.m, it's 4 hours 15 mins, I really just need to stand up so long for such duration and everytime it's full, to push the entire thing to dishwashers, as a dish collector at coffee shop I will just have to wait at the place people send their finished food and throw the leftovers and collect their plates, it really looks like a cleaner but I have to bear with it, I have to hope that this is the real job that doctor said that I will do to get $1400 my first month. It's really difficult they decided not to update me my life. I remember doctor saying that I will recite Yassin every morning 1 day and the time is soon? I really hard to believe but I really want to believe doctor too, doesn't this make me feel like I will become President of MUIS for real? I remember Wali Allah said I will be back from soldier job at 38 years old like that and learning Iqra by my own self, then I really don't know the actual age but is it maybe this year and not Soldier job but this Job? I will be tested on reading Arabic language 1 day by my neighbour then somehow I can understand Arab already. I hope it's 38 years old that I know Arabic language and not 39 years old. My goal to understand by March isn't successful, Al-Quran is harder than I thought, I really can read the normal ones anyway, but if I see a sentence it becomes hard to understand or read, I hope by 2027 January I can read Al-Quran already. I really can't get by June I think as it's April now going to be May, it's really hard there's other signs other than 1 line and double lines. Haha.

Anyway I'm happy my brain is functioning well, it's like I will be okay to keep writing blog as journal is only for key matters of my life. I hope I will be strong daily and don't want to waste my life like this. It's only 3 years to imagine becoming a psychology student then I hope I'm successful about this.

It's sad as I don't know why I hear $200+ and 6 days of work, many times I hear this voice, I'm worried it's my future job(this one) that I will become like that, I really want to stay on 1 job and that's all, nobody talks to me about voices and my mother definitely don't understand as she will usually just say "tak paham", doesn't this mean nobody actually cares about my health and strength? It's a girl voice but Alysha can't be knowing this far too, what if it's other guess? Why did she guess my number of days working and $200+ if it's her? She just really want to demoralize me everytime I found my happiness, anhedonia created by her seems can't be recovered at all, I'm forever sick of/from her, I'm so sad I can't recover this, it's been 20 years then it's like this. I wonder why Ustaz Harun didn't speak to her, is it she will be shocked and disturbed in her University that she can't study well anymore due to feeling scared? Is everyone pitying her because she will feel scared if talk of this? Maybe true, she's too small and more weak than me, even Dina is stronger than her by growth, she's still like easy to die or like a walking person that's supposed to be in hospital bed, maybe people just pity her is why, I hope some Ustaz level people know about her and talk to her about paying me back, I really becoming a dish-collector only promoted her to be happier of my life being bad, it's really sad how weak I am due to schizophrenia, the strength is made to be believed only because "sometimes the pain ended and I became normal health", I usually feel sick most of the time if I don't take medicine, like hard to walk and move, then nobody really cares about me, psychic didn't tell my parents what I feel and it's sad it's like that.