It's really annoying the feeling in my heart like unhealthy and making me sick, I wonder when this will end, I hope by next week I'm not so weak anymore, it feels like I'm helping myself taking medicine alot more than people helping me, I'm surviving on my own then hoping someone read me to visit me at workplace at Amoy Street, it's really crazy my memory is confused I want to remember all but I remember things like wireless earbuds, surah pilihan, box, it's like I bought them before, it's really harsh it's happening again, I bought them then sold to my neighbours I think, it's really sad my life but then I'm surviving this pain by myself, with no one understanding me as someone in pain, "mentally sick" causes this thinking, if I'm physically sick, they probably would bother to ask, I don't know how I will recover like this, the feeling like I experienced this month like this last year, then wasted how I didnt take medications in May or June, it just ended my medicine spree last year, then 29th June back in ward last year, it's really sad nobody support me and I live this 1 year like a grandmother or grandfather that have nothing to do, I cant live like P.M Lawrence Wong that can read books or live like Doctor can move around freely without thinking of my mental strength, I hope at workplace someone would appear like I hear voices that R would visit me, but then I really don't know too who reads, I'm left wondering if someone cares at all.
So many years of memory loss then I can't even remember well yet, I want the recovery but my neighbours haven't recover too, I'm not confident that doctor is true that I will recover at 38 years old, it's really hard, my neighbours maybe close to 50 years old then still haven't recover too, it's so many years I imagine 12 more years on medicine and nobody support me like I still have to live life independently, I really don't know of any support that can happen to me except by myself - which is to keep working and earning money, it's really the heaviest feeling ever this time, even if it's like I ever done this before, my memory mix up is like that, it's weird nobody really cares like wanting me to eat potato chips or ice cream tub, then I just live thinking of my future babies will be safe by chicken chop with tomato rice, it's really like a helpless feeling now, I wonder where I can gain strength in life, my anhedonia kills my time-killing way which is playing games, it's really sad how boredom and suicidal the feeling is, I wonder about my future children reading me as suicidal, they understand me as someone that have mental sickness since young age 1 day, then it's really sad how if I am only mentally sick, my babies will be sick if I have babies, definitely I am sick something else and I have been correct that I am weak and experiencing pain, they just live on without like getting me a support(wife) that I love but I'm living imagining my life as alone like Pak Ngah, Mak Ni and Bik Minah, it's like I really won't get married at all, I have nobody to accompany me in life, even after reaching 40 years old soon, nobody not my friends visited me at home, it's really harsh the feeling surviving this pain by myself, nobody let me try to feel the outside world like I have nothing to lose, or like I am a pious person, then even Ustaz goes bowling but then its not something I enjoy too, everyone at least got their enjoyment while I am sick with schizophrenia, I am so unlucky in life. If I dont remember something too happy or too angry, maybe I won't schizophrenic for 21 years long, if Aby experienced her life with me when I didn't take medicine, it means someone can really accompany me and support me but none of them or my friends doing it, they let me alone with my family that only my brother helps mostly.
I've already planned in my mind that June I want to take photos of inside I.M.H if I'm warded then submit as Facebook post hoping somebody pity me and try get me out of the freaky people's place, I realized I became a freak too because of being there in I.M.H, it's sad they truly let me just walk around daily until lunch time, dinner time and nothing to do but weird activities like babies or kids, it's really sad then if my O.T moment is something that I still feel schizophrenic about "people's faces" looks like my friends etc., I even thought face-wearing exist still when I'm at there, even when I take medications, it means I am still mentally sick now, or mentally sick something but they still want me to go to work, the focus is only to work hard daily, for 4hrs 15mins, then take back money at the end of the month, if friends(readers) visit me will be nice but I don't know i remember like R will visit me she ever said it before about "Amoy Street" because I get this job place some time before in the past but never go before, it's going to be my first time.
I'm definitely going to ask R about dormicum then, I start to feel suicidal again, but 1 pill can't suicide, and the imagination or feeling is that it's been over 10 years "I haven't met R" if only met some time after so many years because of memory loss, then I have no one to help me recover from this anhedonia, there's just no medicine from doctor. I exercise a lot today like 200 legs side lifting done, 200 arm balling(spinning arm front and back), 50 leg lifting up and down. It's due to the fear and panic I want to get rid of.
I don't know what I am going to write at my journal, but I know its going to be short, because I plan the journal to last until end of 2027, it have 360 pages, my first day I use 1 page, my other page been 3 days and today it's still empty and enough space to be on the same page as 2nd page. When I wrote this, I feel the energetic feeling of becoming a smart and intelligent status 1 day, hopefully a level of a Professor, I feel that I can become really smart because of journal writing, it definitely keeps my mind working is why, too little cigarette and such a long writing proves my mind is working and functioning because usually only alot of cigarette is a lot of writing, this is definitely an achievement for me that my mind is working and I'm happy about it.
I don't know how many journals I will have in total before giving my future-children to read, but I really want them to know that our lineage I am the first person mentally sick and "like the only 1"(other than Hisyammuddin schizophrenia that don't really feel it due to fast bounce-back in life), but I remember he was Suicidal too and it looks okay I guess nobody interfered in a bad way and still got to live life by own choice. I hope I succeed in this job this time like Hisyammuddin was successful in the job in the past, it's really hard but he's stronger than me mentally it looks like that, it's like require a lot of mental power to be working like him then for me I need to be stronger but O.T really sending me to work already.
I hope Sakinah helps me the way I like instead of the way she likes, I feel so helpless/hopeless like no way to tell doctors what I want in my life, then she's occupied the doctors' time then she can only be the messenger of my needs if doctors don't know as fact, is it required to speak with psychic or I don't have to? Why do I feel this way then?
No comments:
Post a Comment