Feeling better now

I feel better but only after rolling tobacco it's really the symptom of quitting cigarette, it's really hard the feeling still exist somewhere but I don't smoke anymore letting it exist, it's like a madness kind of sad and bad mood at the same time, there's no longer like vibration in my head but cold water can take the fear away abit, I don't know how long it will last, this pain is unknown kind of thing.

I hope this future job will be the one doctor saying that I will get $1400, it's really a lot of waiting for a better life, then there's something like "October", will I work until October or October is the $1400 kind of job? I really don't know and can't remember. I hope my memories improve and I hope I can survive my life but I am just barely surviving with a lot of fear feelings in my heart, I want to be stable but I don't think I can get it yet. It's really a heavy feeling, I really don't know if I will do well at work, it's only 4 hours 15mins a day, I hope its not heavy or too dirty, I hope it's lightweight because just dish collecting jobs, I hope I get morale support from someone but my memories doesn't promote me to remember good things for me to have an imagination of nicer future. I can't get doctor to call me to tell me my life story of future, then I really feel helpless about it as I just have to try my future instead.