I feel so empty

I'm like remembering doctor ever told me during BMC Academy that I will have a journal that I bring wherever I go, a leather journal, then it's true anyway, I will pass by driving license this year or next year, I don't know when I will take it. It's really like a madness, my mind wanting to remember good stuff only for a calm feeling, but I remember I must keep taking medicines anyway, it's like doctor ever said I will have a baby next year, I really don't know what will happen, will I meet Sakinah already? It's really 39 years old I will have baby and not 40? Wow it's so great the feeling if it's right, I can only think of Sakinah now, but I kept thinking of normal life to come back instead of being treated normally, I really want to enjoy the knowledge about schizophrenia like what can decrease it, I really don't want to memory loss anymore(white eyes suddenly rolls upwards).

It's so tough I have nobody in my life to support me or strengthen me or even restrengthen me into a normal person, I'm so weak and dying from lovesick but nobody cares, they rather I just try to stay strong and live my life taking medicine instead of talking about the girl I want, it's really bad the decision but their best can only be like this and nothing more, so I can't do anything about it. I'm so unlucky how many times I ever felt pain from schizophrenia, is this year really my first time seeing July outside ward? It's going to be a happy moment finally? Will I recover on 19th June as I turn 38 on that day? Will someone actually come back into my life and support me a little? It's been too much difficulty in life, I really have no friends to talk with and I'm so lonely for so many years, ive been alone all these years and nobody cares about it, I kept losing memories and nobody cares about it.

I saw photos of my niece with her boyfriend, accident, then if tak naik motor I wonder when's the fighting will happen, doctor ever said like 5 guys will kepung to theft Dina's handbag but they don't naik motor so I guess it's nothing happening, or not the time yet, maybe after the days of his recovery it will happen, it's sad to see someone accident something then cant enjoy their life again for some time, but Dina have a car license maybe it's nothing to them. I am thinking, I feel it's okay if Dina get married and have babies first 1 day, my life will be lonely as no babies to play with, then I will be Atok Sedare of the baby, it will be cool, I'm finally becoming an Atok level person, hahaha. It's going to be okay too I guess if I don't get married and have babies, it's too late and I'm too old, it's the deep sadness no one cares about, that I definitely can't find any girls to marry, it's just too hard and difficult, the life of girls are unknown and they're don't know doing what in life then suddenly I appear for marriage will be too much, I need time to know girls too, it's just too sad that Sakinah can't be with me now feeling life together, but then I have no money anyway, then actually can still msg anyway but she doesn't do that, she left me alone all by myself for so many years I'm in memory loss and feeling schizophrenic, during my schizophrenia I feel a lot of heart panic kind of rage and sadness, I really feel weak but she doesn't strengthen me up anyway, so I don't know whose the girl that will be my life partner that will strengthen me again in life. It's really crazy like an idiot that she left me all alone, true love was not the matter, it's matter of her heart instead, she sampai hati to tunang means she don't care of me at all, and here I am still in love and waiting for luck to get her. It's so many years but my heart doesn't change yet, I'm so sad I feel nothing sometimes, it's anhedonia, I hope it happens about Sakinah so I don't feel so weak and deeply in love anymore, it's just too much that no one cares about creating me a nice love story, and I live by my own self until today.

I remember like I will take O level and school again, then doctor saying in December I will enrol school last minute, something like that, I really don't know if it's true but I will meet Lyanie again as she taking O level again too, we'll meet each other again, it's really a long time then I wonder why my life is like this, will I meet someone I know, it's definitely a moment that have no other stories but wonder if she's single etc., I really don't want to get to know other girls and waste my time, then I wonder what will happen too. If story if Doctor, I will marry 4 girls, then if I will have a son next year, it means I will marry this year then it's impossible to marry this year because tunang is 1 year then marriage, it's probably just a story I hear, maybe it's voice of Alysha by fact, it's so sad I thought I would become a father soon or 1 day, its just too much I dont have anyone siding me on getting the love of my wish, they let her live and chances of getting other guys, nobody cares about me it's like a torture, like I don't have a family member at all, I don't know why God let me experience this, but I hope I become a psychologist from this experience because it's too much, it's too alone and I still survive, like not requiring to take the studies but still get psychological certificate for the experience, it's really harsh my life and it's like this.