Later I will write my journal for night time, then maybe every night I will write journal entries, I just need to feel better, it just will be short like "Tomorrow Injection and Debrief" something like that. I hope I will be fine with this kind of journal entries, it's a mixture usage of date to be on the left and on top of page, because I really want to save page to last until next year, I remember during my O level I will still have a journal, then it means doctor knew first during B.M.C that I will have a leather journal, it's interesting the psychic knowledge made me want to know more about my future, it happens to be true as I wanted to become a journal writer for my future children to read 1 day, I hope they will know my bad phase of life. I remembered that doctor said that I will feel like it's only been 1 year ever since N level, due to memory loss, and doctor is right, it's like 1 year kind of feeling, it's really sad how many years I've lost and the pain without mercy of God, God didn't involve himself to decrease the pain(heat and rage) in my life, means he doesn't show his power to me but let me feel like wondering if God actually cares at all.
I will have a tough time trying to make myself stronger this time, as I remember doctor will interfere in any job application that appear or where I will apply, means I maybe won't get a job unless doctor permits me to have it, so I don't know what job did doctor speak of that I will get to work at bringing about $1400 in my life, it's really weird I wonder when I will get such job? Maybe it's memory loss or mixture with Alysha's voice in the information (because I hear voices anyway), so it can be any day I can hear Alysha's voice even during moment of personal information I can hear her voice, it's really sad the schizophrenia is this bad.
Just now I think of schizophrenia like why my neighbours not recovering or cured but they don't mind not cured, it's weird it's been so many years and it's scary like that, like every month so many hundreds gone for medicine, it's really scary for entire life like needing a job to manage medicine bills, I'm lucky my parents are still alive to give me medicines, I wonder what other schizophrenic will feel, definitely a lot of deep sadness, rage and unhappiness, feeling hot most of the time and feeling helpless. I wonder why God don't help me like giving me a dream, but then when I remember again, I dreamt like Al-Quran can be entered and there's a world inside it to see, I dreamt of strange creatures that don't exist and it moves, during my schizophrenic moments I thought Digimon exist so when I hear loud renovation thumps, I thought it's The Dino's footsteps, it's weird I believe in fairies too, and white magic, like threatening fairies in my mind to masturbate to them if don't help me get Sakinah, I even imagine white magic can speak and threaten in my mind to masturbate to white magic if don't help me get Sakinah, I get no answers it's just so sad.
I know the anger is quite crazy, I wonder how many people have done something like this before like "masturbating to Allah's names", "masturbating while imagining Rasullullah s.a.w's wife", something like that, I feel a lot of people definitely are kafir from such things, they can't enter heaven with such records in life, means many Muslim wear could be kafir and I'm still the nicer Muslim despite having tattoos.
Entering heaven is definitely not easy, but pushing people to hell is like giving meth, then make them do such thing, I imagine kafir enters hell but not immediately because their lineage maybe convert into Muslim and bring them along? God is Most Forgiving so I really don't know, people in heaven want their entire family in heaven, but people like Nabi Nuh a.s don't see his mother in heaven, it's just life like that. Ujian nabi2 are very long duration of years but their age are also very old in years, so it's quite fair, I feel my ujian is 32 years soon because of loving Sakinah since 5-6years old(K2), but in fact younger, why my life of less than a century but I experienced so many years in love with a girl? I'm so sad then when I think again, maybe I definitely will become Wali Allah because of this love and pain. It's just too strong and nobody guided me to get Sakinah, the imagination from view of Sakinah is different, it's like I will get a lot of comfort because my adopted father are psychologists/psychiatrists, then I actually don't have time with them as fact because I told them to spend their time for Sakinah to receive the best psychological comfort as I read it's important for girls to be peaceful, it's harsh then this true love didn't impact like a white magic to her heart or eyes or mind, God didn't help me at all, how can I still believe in Lailatul Qadar when I actually get the correct day definitely due to praying the same thing over and over again for 30 days, so many years too? Why is God like this to me?
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