I really have no one telling me my future and I just have about less than 2 hours left until going to work, I saw Ninjavan just now thinking I would receive my shoes already, it will make working experience nicer for me as I will be protected from the wetness of the working atmosphere, it's really heavy feeling like this, as im quitting smoking as knowledge of doctor, cant they just give me my money yet knowing I would quit smoking already? It's really a bad treatment and I think it's sue-able because last year I didn't receive my job salary after working this hard, why can't they just give me an easier job but lesser salary anyway, I mean it's a standing job is why makes it difficult but I'm okay about it, I have to be okay, this job I survived multiple times already due to schizophrenia, it's a job I don't want to quit but I ever only because of overdose of medicine, it's really crazy psychic didn't contact me to let me feel like an independent person instead, just 3 more days then it's off days, then I have another 5 days then it's off day on Monday for my doctor's appointment, why am I not energetic it's because it's a job? I thought something enjoyable as a job I would be delighted to work? I drank alot of cold water today, the imagination of diarrhoea made me think of drugs, like a way to stop diarrhoea from happening, but I have no choice anyway, it's a kind of painful for my ass the shitting feeling just now, I really don't know why I'm so bad luck.
I'm hoping I go work today, but doctors didn't call me to tell me I will be fine, does it mean I won't be fine? When can I get a treatment like I.M.H psychic knowledge? Why doctors asks questions if he's psychic too? It's just a lot of endurance at work, I really must do well to complete it, the first day felt happy, the 2nd day felt happy, and the 3rd day always have something uneasy happen to me, will I tarnish my name and ruin my working happiness? It's world war collection of money anyway, it's definitely hard this feelings. The US and Iran had ceasefire making me feel like I won't meet Sakinah again, world war is the only reason that I can meet her again because I want to care for her, but then she's the one having money anyway, but the more the merrier anyway, she have niece to protect, 1 extra person would be fine to be with her. I'm so lonely and bored, it create dullness energy of work to decrease and demoralize, I just now felt like I wanted to skip until June CDC voucher, quit cigarette, then July month of starvation using CDC voucher if still have any left, then August is $850. They have increases C.O.L to $600 then I'm happy about it, then A.P Money is $250 still. Wow the government really made me feel supported but I am surviving like this, really not knowing if I will receive my money at all, but just trying to work hard at here. It's only 6 hours per day, I definitely have to do this, I don't want to suffer in future. I told my mum I'm not getting married because I thought of quitting work, means I am meant to be poor because they didn't give me money to save to spend time with a girl, they rather girls know me as someone poor instead, it's too bad and so bad but they are my parents type of care and treatment. They treat me like this despite I'm 38 years old, it's so harsh I really want to work properly, 3rd day won't be a problem then it's only 2 days left, I need to pass this 5 days marathon each time, I'm so worried it's 11.02a.m and no one calls me to energize me about work, I can't remember doctor's words anymore, I'm really not sure if it's really $1400 close to $1500 as my salary this month, I really know $1300 was not spoken, but $1000 was spoken, it's really heavy weight, why is it like this? Can't they be nicer to me already?
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