I'm left to feel sad how people have money while I'm in difficulty, even $1600 is said as low salary because when saving up it's actually reaching $10,000 faster. I fear of the heart pain and mental stress from voices but I have to go through my life like this. Its only 3.41p.m now and later I will melatonin for tomorrow to sleep then work. I'm so happy working here that I wish I get the kind of job of my choice, so I don't injure myself, but if not a man can do the job, and any of it, means I should be doing well too, means I will just sondol and work hard despite shoes getting dirty, I don't have other shoes sadly.
I don't know how Sakinah make time to care for me, but I don't feel it like she don't exist to regard her as something invisible in my life, I have ever effort for her to get nice job, like Wahdiah and Shahridah, they got their jobs from my effort, from doctor's knowledge of their application then I reach there first to hack or offer to hack for the business/school. It feels real like I will be with Sakinah 1 day teaching her how to hack, or not? As doctor said I will work as a hacker anyway, I really want the job as it's only hacking activities and I definitely will enjoy it a lot. Being the only hacker makes me special and only my clan will become Government's Hacker Group. It will be cool I really want to capture and spy I.M.H Patients knowing if their sickness makes them sex-crazy, and even capturing if they offer girls money for sex even, I really want to understand a human if become like that if a schizophrenic, my neighbours didn't become like that it looks they are more stable than me, I'm like the worse of us 3 schizophrenics, but maybe Alysha is the most evil if include her along, she just forget after an attack then continue living her life like normal days like going to school. It's weird how she created me to believe alot of her lies, then I start to understand schizophrenia as someone that easily believes something said? Means we are weaker mentally and can be fooled a lot more than other people? Then why did I score 100% all subject if I'm right? I just happen to have a brain thats smart but schizophrenic?
After so many years, there seems no strategy for a schizophrenic to become more stable as my neighbours have nothing to tell me means that I just assume they take medicine daily causing their stability, it's really hard body feels like heavier when take medications, like hiking a mountain but they survive for more than 10 years on medications, my neighbours also never look to grow old like my parents causing me to think everyone lie together about my age and I'm not 38 this year but maybe 22 years old, due to memory loss for that many years, I really didn't feel life for so long and they don't worry like knocking door to give me K.F.C, McDonald, Popeyes, Ice Cream, they just let me live with trash and lizards in my room, I don't know why they're so heartless letting me live my life like that, but they've removed a lot of stuff but still a lot of good items are gone from my life.
Finding expensive item like 256gb memory card etc. makes me still want to look around at garbage for cool stuff, hahaha, but I can't do that anymore I guess, I wonder why people just let me experience this kind of life, even if police camera didn't make police appear to give me nice food and drinks, it made me feel like becoming a police to support schizophrenic people that is being under a strict ruling like a person denied S.O.S on purpose, means I don't receive help when I thought I need to be sent rations from Helicopter or Chinook. I'm let to endure during my schizophrenic days, now I'm worried that such pain will come back if I don't take medicine, but then I'm sad even if I take medications, doctor didn't give me my jobclub money.
I don't know why mental sickness exist physical pain to body, maybe I accident a lot without my knowledge and kept losing memories? I wonder why exist someone in my life to be maintained as voices to my senses to attack me daily in life, then she got the chance to make me think "a doctor said it" if it's her, I'm so sad Allah do this to me, like growing up smiling to a baby that grows up attacking my life heavily, it's like I've been nuclear by someone and didn't return the nuclear attack but only missiles. It's a weight I have to carry daily, like when will I release it to gain something from it, how can I release it even if its at my hearing senses, the voices, the hallucinations? Life is so unfair, I have schizophrenia like an S.O.S pain daily but now like building my own raft to go out to sea, busy cutting trees(working dishwasher) then soon getting the $1600, which is like seeing a floating vending machine or packages with clothes.
Why doctor don't believe seeing me is like an S.O.S level of pain, when I can become not aware of the reality of surrounding or situation, they didn't suddenly provide a lot of nice feelings into my life? Only medicine and food, then every morning wake up to their shout to go shower. It's really crazy I must bear all this for 1.5 months without remembering androids can be used in ward and I just don't have Android in ward. Life is hard like crazy, they let me hear zombie-cries sounds everyday at ward and they don't pity to let me go out for a walk too as have anticipated running away. Life is so unfair the attacker is living outside normal life in school while me in a tortured space(the ward), to be worried of crazy walkers inside that attack people at random, that doctors all feel it's nothing and maybe symptom of schizophrenia because the nurses are not scared of them and are smaller size.
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