I remember doctor made me imagine life as "something wonderful" if I take medications daily, then I really miss such feelings like information from doctors, all of the doctors looked young anyway, then thought as around my age, I think if I dye my hair I will be thought of as 20+ years old anyway, my white hair tells my age away I guess.
I wonder how to be strong to keep working daily like not a problematic situation to perform everyday, it's nearing 6p.m and tomorrow is luckily another rest day, I get to rest from Alysha's heavy pain, like a weight of carrying bigger items, but I guess its growth can be causing the pain of moving "as a plant" too, maybe it's the most painful growth last 2 days and yesterday. As a plant to see the sunlight, I need to experience days of taking medicine to become "grown up" stronger everyday, pushing the skin away then reaching the sunlight 1 day, I could even be seeing some sunlight too, I wonder when is that moment, to become "stronger like a stick", I'm just a green bean at first then the stretch is the number of days of taking medicine?
I still wonder what's the heavy bag if I'm hiking a mountain daily, it's too light, and cigarette is lightweight, it's definitely something else, why nobody cares to write in comments what they think, but maybe I may get "kau merepek" instead of being supported as well? I really wonder what weight is this, why just taking medicine is like hiking a mountain? Maybe it's just the angle of the mountain? What other ways can I evade the steepness even? Maybe "panic" is the entire weight? I get panic easily like sudden rush or urgency. I guess nobody knows what's that or it could be just "money inside bag then no one using helicopter to take me to the top of mountain"(seeing sunlight as plant), I have no driver? What's each bus ride counted as? Something less steep part of mountain? I really don't know, but maybe to believe need better food like vegetables? Hahaha. I wonder who reads me when I write like this, does Sakinah cares at all? Maybe I need to buy something, I just need a walking stick to walk up mountain easily.
Nvm, it's too tough my "mathematics" of "daily life experience", I need to discover a strong tree stick to use as a walking stick that don't ruin my hands etc. I wonder what is it in life, it's something I see daily assuming mountain hiking as a lot of sticks on the ground. I really can't find out what the walking stick is in reality.
I wonder how I will be well, will someone plant alot of seeds around me so I can maneuver out into the sunlight faster? Will someone dig a hole, will a stick drop and create a hole then rain that pushes stick away so I can grow into the sunlight? I think my life ease is really actually a matter of luck then. It's really bad I really don't know the way in life but to just be feeling that extra weight in life, maybe it's the weight of schizophrenia because people with schizophrenia have disability working or have difficulty working, or usually just "can't work". I'm so unlucky, Alysha as the voices even without her presence, is it the heavy bag or the big stone? I just need a lot of food and water that's all I guess, if it means vegetables it's weird I only eat them with chicken chop, hahaha. I really don't know what I need in life is the cause of this slowness. As long as I have food and drink i can grow out into the sunlight, moving is transport money/bus ride, fun thinking this way.
I wonder for how long people just gonna watch me grow slowly everyday taking medicine day by day, then not appearing to make my life lighter but I experience like a life repetition instead? If money is the top of mountain and sunlight, walking stick and fertilizer is something someone don't want to give to me?
It's such a heavy life, I wonder why someone like read Hadis Qudsi and viewed my profile, it is written as "isterimu73" the account name. Hahaha, I'm not delusional until like that, I imagine the hotness really makes me think like that but I truly believe I only have 1 wife 1 day, or doctor said as 4 wives only.
In the past when I walk around looking at girls, I thought everyone I want can become my wife, we will grow to live in a 2 storey house like U.S.A with garden, then I grow old with her then become a psychic, all my vision during schizophrenia is that I will become a psychic "in future" after marriage. But doctor said that I will become Wali Allah at 38 years old. In seeing such thing, I "will have White Magic" 1 day, I will punch a man, and I maybe become fatter like Old Hisyammuddin(now he's fat instead of big) then suddenly all the pain and injury in my bodies will be reversed. I thought someone will keep stalking me to spike me drugs for me to feel good in life and live a normal health as much as possible even if it's drug in food, to just eat them like part of an ingredient. During my schizophrenia it was like that. If I see a girl wearing tiny shorts I would think she could be "my wife" in future, "if I don't try I don't get"(the girl), something like that, I never tried at all except at I.M.H during my suicide stunt to create shame on myself I flirt with nurses and O.Ts, it was last year I think?
So when I was schizophrenic, I thought I'm a millionaire so I kept collecting old stuff hoping someone give me my money back and pitied me.
It's weird how Ive been single for over 15 years, then nobody cares to try fix me up instead just let me live life ruined and corrupted, then after taking medication, I have to be strong on my own by joining jobclub then suddenly work, "after 15+yrs of memory loss" they still did this to me, I only received support from my brother $200 + $1000, then government $850 and $600, I finished government's money and my brother's gift I only have $250 left, it's quite crazy, people really left me into difficulty and I am hoping I earn $1600 by end April, money finishes too fast and I can't cope my life like this, without support of parents, I cant even have support money to save to search for girl or look for Sakinah, I don't know why they like don't want me to be married too as fact. It's weird like I am cacat and they protecting other girls from marrying their cacat son, is why I feel like an adopted child during my schizophrenia. I really have illusion of help, something that's other definition of helping like jobclub keeping money away from me. It's something like that, when I'm supposed to grow strong with calculated future by myself, they just add a kind of ruling into my life.
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