I'm really approaching the days of change of medicine in May then it's just 8 more days until the day of injection, I really worried about my working place I really think I should just continue working it's just 6 hours daily anyway, I really want to do well working there and earning money. My first pay cutoff is close on the 15th then I wonder if I will quit losing money again but multiple times this had happened but they don't care because I like the job I think, I really feel like I'm getting to quit smoking too because I only smoke storm king it's so little tobacco each roll and maybe the cause of me getting my money soon too. It's really crazy and bad to hold my money for years but they really did it.
I'm lazy to write my Simba data usage anymore because it looks like I am a regular user now already every weekdays inside bus on the way home and to work, then 6 hours of away from phone, I really get to use my phone bills normally. I'm happy they've increased my Data to 500gb, and I read as 4,500 SMS I wonder when my father will be using Simba because doctor ever told me that his first time changing number is because of Simba plan as good and only costs $10/mth. Life is really hard I wonder if God truly want me to spend time with my parents because they are old 70 and 73 years old then I have work daily, then imagination of my working path blocked by doctor because of disallowing me to work at some places, it's really hard but I have to believe doctor as doing this to me for real, if I really earn money well, I plan to get the automatic lines for hanging wet clothes to dry for her, I really hope I earn money and get to buy that thing because she's already old age and still wash clothes.
I plan for this to be a long writing today, Bik Minah is coming today then I don't know why Alysha created me to think that she's giving me money that it became so long that I finally work myself already but still in panic if I will get what I work for, it's really harsh they don't inform if they are keeping money away from me. My jobclub money is not around yet and it's quite crazy they doing this to me, I really don't know what to do but just have to wait this long for my money. My sleep in the afternoon been regained to be able to fall asleep again and I'm happy about it, I will still eat melatonin at night to sleep I hope I can make it to be stronger tomorrow at work, they really must be nicer to me and not make me not get my money like it's nothing, if truly depends on doctor, if money is freedom, when will I gain my freedom then? Its really harsh I estimated and feeling happy about my future but then they did this to me, nobody that's my reader also reminded me that I didn't receive my money last year but made me continue doing jobclub, it's really harsh I get no money thinking smoking as the main reason, I really don't know why their heart is like this.
It's really weird just now I dreamt of swords like a bend curve swords that's so big and have sharp rod at the middle of it, like an extra sharp point popping out. I wonder what it means, the handle is gold/yellow colour. I really dream of girls too about the swords but it's not a love story in my dream but just something to protect. I really hope it's a meaningful dream.
Today I ate sambal boiled egg hoping I won't stomach ache tomorrow at workplace, it's really crazy if it happens I would be totally upset but I hope tomorrow morning I cleared my bladder already.
My brother gave me 3 T-Shirts, Black, Dark Blue and White and I'm so happy about it, I really have other T-Shirts now that's half arm length and really covered the tails of my tattoo, it's weird anyway if people see like a tail at my arm, I'm really sad my tattoo is only like that but I think removing it is better than increasing tattoo.
When I close my eyes my mind experience a dizziness like alot of souls dancing in front of me, I really think schizophrenia is crazy sometimes because of this. Nobody pity me that I have this sickness and they treat me like someone lazy to work instead of "schizophrenic causes more difficulty to work". Maybe because Hisyammuddin was successful but they didn't compare that he's much more muscles than me, maybe muscle is the key to feeling lightness when working, I am energized thinking of his success and want to be successful at workplace too. I then hope my neighbour, doctor and Ustaz Harun really come to work at my workplace so I have "friends" and I'm not picked on but they are nice anyway like giving milk tea to me, means none of them are standard of like a bully, they seem nice to me even if have tattoo or wearing a gold necklace. They remind me of myself about the days I wanted to save for gold necklace or the days I wanted like people seeing my arm have tattoos popping out instead of like a tail of tattoo, then it's uncompleted it becomes a tail instead. I hope it remains that Monday-Friday as my working day so I can give Saturday and Sunday a time for myself to go Sekolah Agama by myself, I really want to become somebody like story of doctor, Psychologist/Psychiatrist/Wali Allah/MUIS 10th President, it's really heavy I really want to become somebody that's psychologically strong and it's really these standard of status im chasing for. I don't know why story of doctor exist "Manager of Popeye" as my work but I really didn't become working at Popeyes too, why is it like that? I really hope I work well at CleanMark Solutions I remember my 2nd run was 4 days then misunderstanding that Friday is off day, then I miss another day in that week, then I hope I will be fine this week doing a full weekdays work. It's really heavy weight to experience this kind of misunderstanding I really hope doctor speak up well for me because I don't want to tarnish my name as a bad worker at workplace. The milk tea is like an energy that I am actually a good worker at there so I'm happy about it.
Whatever it is I know by end of month I would earn the $1600/mth maximum - 3 days total(including injection day), then it means I can continue working there from May to June, my days of being warded is finally stopped in the end, and I will become a worker in people's eyes instead of pity that a schizophrenic have to work, it's weird they really don't love me as much as I love myself I think. They rather I work than supporting me with money, and I have to experience this kind of life for real, it's really heavy the bond is only like this and I'm not pitied much.
There's no way I know how I can get Shahridah/Wahdiah into my life at least to cure my heart, then Sakinah is keeping her distance away even if she can cure my heart, the girls are in the end the same decision towards me I really don't know why things are like that my luck. It's so painful so I must rest I guess. It's really hopeless and helpless feelings.
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