I don't know why I don't feel like being supported by my family even at 38 years old, it's really heavy, I remember I will have journal by doctor then it's probably a mixture of stories that I realize I mess up even in this kind of information, my mind of schizophrenia really not wondered by people or others of what I'm thinking, if I loss my memory why nobody cares to try make me remember properly, Wahdiah only tried once in her life after so many years, it's really harsh, Shahridah tried nothing and I can't do anything about it. Their presence are important in my life but they don't give them to me, they make my heart demanding for it instead, it's hard I wonder what they keeping money for other than for their family.
It's just 4 more days until my last injection day I think, I'm really happy the feeling is finalizing, I'm finally getting rid of anhedonia on 11th May, it's really a pleasure killer, I wish doctor call me to remind me my future but they are having something else in their mind instead of helping me in this manner, it's really hard I have to just live on like this, waiting for answers, they usually tell me only when I became forgetful due to my schizophrenia, then when on the year of recovery when I take medicine daily, they don't remind me anymore of my future, I became to hear voices of small girl Alysha instead ruining the information over and over again, then I can't be energized about my future to be pleasant anymore. Ive monitored this 1 year my family treat me with nothing special for my recovery, it means next year is the same I have nothing to expect from them, they are not giving me any money or anything, I only get money from the government again, this time a lot more but I don't know if will last me for 1 year or not, then I also don't know if I will take O-level next year or not.
It's still April and I don't know if I should start journal writing already, the day I end my publicity(to Sakinah) and write journal secretly, like a diary, of my daily life or skipping some days because only 360 pages. I hope Sakinah have a journal for me to read for me to past time on too because I feel lonely, I really want our children to know our life, someone that I love since 6 years old until today, been 32 years of love. Its really crazy long years and I still imagine having children with Sakinah. It's impossible that it will happen, the feeling became impossible because Sakinah didn't contact me at all after so many years, we probably have nothing to talk about as she believe it must be like that, or I'm just someone not special for her attention and response yet, it's just sad thinking of a soulmate then it's like that. I imagine if she's soulmate of "Nur Iman" then I'm soulmate of "Nur Iman's sister", it would be funny that I fell in love with her first before meeting his sister, because maybe they're the fact of opposite attracts but I'm like the same as Sakinah in my way of talking but I talk in English weirdly, causing improvement in my English scores. Remembering being in her house during Hari Raya at Primary 5 I think, the way her mother speaks Malay is like my family too, it's cool I think, it makes the attraction to Sakinah became stronger because she definitely will understand me, I thought in my mind.
It's been almost 1 year and the attention I got is actually nothing, and even the money I don't get is really what's happening to my life, it's the reality people don't want to remind me about but let me wonder if I will get any money or not. It's really difficult but they're all fixated in their mind to let my difficulty in life happens.
It's really sad that it's like this, Sakinah have nothing that she can help me about, other than knowing my life like what I believe a soulmate knows, everything, then I don't know if doctor told her I'm potential Psychologist/Psychiatrist, then it actually makes the other men are worse in their secrets in life, like my hacking is told openly, watching of pornography is told openly too, it's common sense of men I think to watch pornography, it's free website anyway and even newspaper told the website before so I think it's actually something legal and not illegal, the common sense is that it's not allowed but places like Peninsula Plaza or Geylang sells sex toys anyway to think that everything is banned is quite wrong, maybe it's just different than common sense.
Hacking pleasure was not felt fully by me and only for a while, then only for a day when doctor permitted, then it's weird doctor actually in touch with my friends secretly because of the hacking pleasure granted to me was a permitted hacking day, it was fun I remembered my hacking capabilities and start thinking like a rich man over and over again, I feel like I'm supposed to be a rich man but just the government doesn't employ a hacker like me, don't know why they rather I suffer with schizophrenia and difficulty of money when I actually can hack terrorists and fightback through internet even attacking their communications with other terrorists I Imagine, it's like creation of anti-I.S.I.S in Singapore as they definitely contacted people online(internet) to become an I.S.I.S member that sort of thing, the recent shots in Turkey about a 14 years old boy killing students in own school from gun of his father, it's something like that how their mind was influenced to become a terrorist maybe having a hacker can disturb communication to kill their energy of killing around "because have no group or friends to contact".
I don't know if they can make drone-stealing method like intruding the control buttons using another satellite remote control such imagination, then I would like to work in S.A.F about drones defence too, to takeover/hijack enemies drones making it our own attack weapons, it would definitely be fun imagination that a hacker can do such things, I wonder how I ever thought of becoming an undercover for Singapore to be in Iranian Army to gain double wages but then most probably I will be in Frontline and first to die so the government didn't let me, I ever told people of government about it, the Ministers, I think, or it's a dream I'm not sure, then I told them it's just about earning money I want to become somebody stable. It would be triple salary if Iranian pays 2× salary than own country like they promised in 1 of their post.
I would want to gain botnet power of Iranians and North Koreans Soldiers' computers too like working undercover for Singapore, then becoming a government hacker is legalizing all hackers' strength and skill, it would be fun part of hacking and I would have government level strength of botnet(permitted by North Korean and Iranian government) to ddos any website, then would have the strength that's enormous in the world being the top hacker already, then hackers only rely on botnets to disturb businesses anyway, I can get friendship or cahoot in the dark web maybe, to know of the other type of hacking that steals money from company by freezing their computer, a ransomware thing, to stop the illegal business would be fun too, and capturing such high level movement, being a hacker can be fun maybe but I'm maybe not military strength of person that can fight, I never had any fighting trainings before.
When I think all these, I suddenly reminded of Dina being 20 years old already, and she's going to tunang already then if she's getting married and have a baby or doctor is true that her having baby will be late because her future husband will suffer from schizophrenia, but finally I will have somebody that understands my sickness 1 day, why it's painful if it's mental sickness, at least someone will believe me 1 day.
I hope MUIS create like a hacking movement to capture potential terrorist such thing, then I would have a job as a hacker in government. I only have hacking skill but lacks computer knowledge other than the common sense of what is good and strong, but computer became cheaper pricing anyway, I really need to learn a lot about computers.
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