Remembering doctor's promise

That my life is something I imagine if I buy a journal, then it became a more caring family instead, and have to quit smoking too, I wonder if it's really going to be okay, I bought a journal just less than $10 including delivery, I will start writing lesser each day because of the journal limit then it will be a read for my future children, I hope starting it creates my recovery like a hospitalized person that is sick instead of being treated like someone that don't have schizophrenia, I would really enjoy more ideas of caring me like the keto diets tryouts to happen.

They don't believe I feel like an insane person that kept losing my mind and memory loss continued for so many years but they don't pity me I miss a lot of my life experiences and pleasures, they just continued doing this to me like my life is nothing, I am not supported like having a guide at all, I really don't know what to do, my brain don't want to go dumb too it's so heavy pressure on my brain this dumb feelings I am going through. It's just 2 more months and 3 days until my birthday, I'm finally turning 38 soon and close to half a century, means I don't have time for my future wife maybe because Sakinah treating me this way, it's like I will live with her until 40 years only then after loving her since 6 years old, then she be with me around 40 years old, I die at 80 or 90 then it's 50 years old of togetherness, its something like this my mind cannot cope, I should be with her ever since 20+ years old but she don't pity me at all. This is just imagination, it's really bad the estimation, I really want to be with her already now before it's too late to enjoy life, we're suddenly feeling the old age instead of "young age together", if she comes to me late or after grown so old. My body can't cope the heat gathered inside of it, the schizophrenia or the physical pain, it's like a waste into pain to happen further, nobody help me it's like a growing pain in my body the heat, then they calculate my life as a mental sickness and nothing painful instead. They just don't care about me.

I hope I will recover when doctor's promise matches my imagination, which is the journal become a support for me in life to keep having it everywhere I go.