I really hear voices of small girl but I thought it's doctor's telling me that it's okay as long as quit cigarette. Then sometimes I hear man's voice I think it's my own voice during schizophrenic moments I will talk loudly and a lot. I really don't know when I have schizophrenia I really hear loud voices I fear my own voice can't be heard by others. I hope I get supernatural powers like talking to Jinn or Syaitan 1 day, especially because doctor saying will become Wali Allah at 38 years old. I wonder how people don't see me as crazy anymore because schizophrenia symptom is "hear voices" then usually known as "crazy people hear voices", I wonder how people will start to accept schizophrenia as not same as insanity. Maybe the heartlessness of Alysha is a level of insanity, I think 1 day she will be tied strapped jacket and mouth strapped too because of talking too much pain and love to attack babies secretly, but doctors treat her normal it looks like that as she goes to University still, going to school, I hope she mess up in school like people see her schizophrenic like memory loss in school, then she know what I feel, it's a moment of friendship that if people that don't care will attack and say bad words to you when "memory loss", it's really harsh knowing having no friends when it happened, luckily in Woodlands none of them did it to me, I seem fine all the way maybe, or they somehow know how to handle it, my friends in Woodlands becoming Wali Allah anyway by story of Wali Allah, maybe this year or next year, then maybe they are intelligent in handling people naturally, luckily they don't do bad things to me when I experience schizophrenia. All of them are nice when they see me at a level like a blind man, no secret bullies happened(because I cannot see when I am schizophrenic, like temporary blindness, they can beat and deny).
Tomorrow is a working spree and this month is a working Era for me, I will work hard like I have self-promised and hope Alysha's voices really goes away or she create a repented sentences appear and decided to help me like doctors' words of help. It's really tough with schizophrenia and to be demoralized from working is like throwing away my $1600 like a bad cloth, it's definitely special this salary to get for a schizophrenia and N-level person, I really planned to work hard and as long as I can stay here, I hope I grow into someone able to listen to their words more because they seem to enjoy talking while working while I am a shy guy that likes quietness and focus on working, then I can't listen or understand them properly because of noises other than their language is abit difference except the supervisor is clear sentences when talking.
I don't mind them talking though but I just hard to understand it's weird.
It's really scary how I imagine becoming weak from Alysha's sentences like heartache then only doctor understands first like knowing if I can work or not then the imagination of angering others is not liked by me, if doctor knew then doctor should update me or tell them if I will work properly, it's really heavy in my mind about this, but no doctor called me to remind me of my situation or path in life if I will really work well, I still wonder daily and gets worried sometimes.
Tomorrow is my 3rd day of work, and a 5 days thing for this week, I think I can do this, I know despite having Ayatul Kursi necklace my wish didn't come true about not working at Dirty Plates section then my denim shoes became dirty, then I plan to just go through it even if it becomes dirtier next time, because of wanting money and the shoe costs around $23+ I think, I still praying for doctors words to remind me stuff then still worry about if voices of Alysha lying as a doctor to ruin my mind, her voice may appear instead, it's everytime anhedonic moment then it becomes voices I hear, Alysha is really not fun to talk to in life, I hope she suffer awhile in University.
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