When I'm schizophrenic I used to be paranoid of watching pornography and thought that my father is a Mafia family and "I'm an adopted son", then I type at search engine requesting for help instead, they are available at websites for free anyway and I will go down or out of home and saw the actress or victim of nudity(seen nude doing sexual stuff). My mind keeps linking "type of porn = food type that will appear in my house", then it became like asking for food, means if I want "crabs" I will watch a porn video that the girl appear on website and crabs will be cooked in my house, I function my daily video activities like a subliminal(wish granting music). It's odd that crabs or expensive food really appears or nice water bottle of plain water.
I believe it's okay to write that I seen porn like in Newspaper ever appeared "gutteruncensored.com" making people know where porn can be looked at, it's from buying newspaper and it's fine so I guess what I share is okay to be written, because newspaper even primary school kids can read and know the porn website.
In my schizophrenic mind, I thought ideas = money that I wrote many ideas on my Facebook posts and I even thought some ideas that I saw were mine, I became delusional, I wonder why it's like that, when I was primary school it wasn't like this.
It is Saturday today, I'm really happy of the resting hours left even if it's nearing 4p.m soon, I will melatonin at 7p.m as usual, tomorrow is the last resting day then it's working day again, I hope I am energized to keep working somehow, and I forgot to write only 1 female at workplace and it's the supervisor, means I can't search for a lover at workplace. The working place have like less than 10 workers and it's only us, so I feel it's a special experience to be working here like a selection of people, and I feel very lucky to be chosen and able to work here by jobclub, I hope jobclub don't treat me like a child and just give me my money 1 day, I hope no bad mood will occur to me on Monday too. I remember doctor really said that I will get my salary, I don't know if it's late but I hope I get them, I want to remember all or by reminder but doctor didn't message or call me, its hard other doctors are occupied caring Sakinah for me while I'm so far away. She's such a lucky girl to be cared of by high intelligence and status type of people because of me, if I don't exist they don't exist in her life at all, I hope Sakinah start to feel that I'm special 1 day.
In my memory, it's like P.M Lawrence Wong also visited Sakinah to tell my love towards her, I wonder if President Tharman Shanmugaratnam would do that also but it doesn't matter, it means somehow I should feel special but they don't give me a special treatment like jobclub I didn't receive my money and it's okay to them alone. It's harsh being treated this way then Sakinah didn't help me too, I feel bad about my life then no one support except this lucky appearance repetition of plant growing under a stone, my energy to keep trying to see the Sunlight of my life. Money is definitely freedom, I can start trying to buy what I want for ease of life like iHerbs too, I'm definitely chasing a nicer life and I only 2 days of work in April, it's so long way to go, hahaha. I have 18 days of work left in April because 1 of the day is I.M.H Appointment.
I have nobody I can connect to, to talk of life and lifestyle experiences, I should wait for May then I have started to feel like watching movies too, if I have money, going to City Hall will feel nice like who knows I will find nice pants to buy too.
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