I wonder what's the feeling going to be like, a journal is for my future children to read when they are 16-21 years old, if no sexual matter then maybe earlier like 12 years old. I write in good grammar so their English language will improve anyway, I usually score 100 for English language anyway just during exam I maybe scored only 2 because of forgetting the format? I really don't know.
I decided to write journal even if it's in the afternoon or morning because to fill the emptiness of it, maybe I'm new to journal writing is why, maybe Sakinah will show my blog or I will not delete blog anyway for them to read, journals are short information about my life while blog is a lot of matter especially girls.
I'm just happy imagining my life doing O-level 1 day just now, I hope I truly become a successful person like the song "Dari Bawah"(Mimpi jadi nyata) means "From Below"(Dream becomes Reality), wow I really hope I will be very good psychologically, and become like P.M Lawrence Wong reading a lot of books. I read a quote to not tell what books we read but P.M Lawrence Wong tells so I think it's okay to tell my salary was only $311.28 doing dishwasher. Hahaha. I also hope I become like Mdm Halimah Yacob from Cleaner into Somebody, I really want to become somebody in Singapore like a nice status or worker, a hacker with $20k/mth salary was the promised thing but then it should also be enough to reach that level of Somebody, I really want to become a hacker. They should imagine people like Amos Yee, for me to hack other than I.M.H Patient and Suspected Terrorist, but then when I think again, even Suspected Corrupted Police should be hacked maybe have evidence they keep to blackmail people? I wonder like that.
I really planned to write something long every blogpost, the previous number of reader was only 4, so I find it weird, everytime I will keep thinking of "3 girls", "4 girls", but I have no idea anyway, my imagination keeps being the same girl, hahaha, it's so sad my life always thinking of the same girls. I need to know how to make my parents effort for Sakinah, or for the other girls, it's really bad my life being left to survive and feeling pain for so many years then 21 years passed I only feel like only 1 year passed. It's really crazy and scary, I loss so many years of life experiences, it's so harsh the government should give money to schizophrenic people because of this kind of feelings, maybe the recovery will happen by the happiness we gain in life? I really wish for an insurance to exist but then theres no way that will happen like I.M.H exist since long time ago and nobody got money from being sick, it's really sad and scary life having to rely on someone or being difficult to work but then to work hard too, wonder why is it like that too.
I don't know how much I will earn this time as dish collector 1 day, but I hope I earn a lot of money, I really want to feel like living my life but they told me the numbers of days to work is 6 days but then only 4 hours, I'm not sure though, because I remember when I was told 5 days and 5 hours it's actually 6 hours instead, it kinda made me unstable anyway.
Even if I journal, it's just for my memories and to follow intelligent people's lifestyle, I would definitely become more intelligent everyday hopefully due to journalling, especially wanting to read dictionary or using special words in future, I hope I become stronger in both my languages.
I remember during my O level that R plans to accompany me the whole year, then I remember in year 2028 doctor said that she will get caught by CNB and enter prison for 2 years, my life luck is really like that, how come doctor knows such thing, how doctor know her ex will do that to her? Then after that I will take A level at U.S.A, being a soldier by the time I'm O level, so it could be that this year I will become a soldier around December? They will recruit by knocking the doors and I will join as S.A.F? Wow I really wish such thing happens to me, it's maybe due to the Iran-US war that S.A.F starts recruiting soldiers, I'm really happy about it I hope it happens.
Right now I wonder and trying to remember what doctor told me, will I really work as plate collectors for many months? It's hard I really want to be a kind of person that works for many months instead of days or weeks. Its really hard to be stable in my mind then it proves I can't get Sakinah anyway, because I'm unstable mentally, it's like a crazy person, it becomes so difficult, with the memory loss I can't update her, if I don't have doctors maybe she won't know I love her truly at all? Wow, it's crazy, I would've memory loss every time I see her face then not remember to talk to her to tell her I love her at all, life is so insane, why my love story is like that, why memory loss exist and does she believe such thing about me or think it's a drama? The sickness is called schizophrenia anyway, I'm so unlucky to have this sickness.
I hope people becomes more caring towards me and help me in many different way, this year I wish for the days to be different, instead of the same eat food, sleep, blog, sofa, TikTok, I really hope I go out to places and have a life, it's been so long I haven't had a life and my family don't worry about it at all, they treated me like I will live forever, I'm getting old and missing a lot of things but they don't care, 40 years old maybe the skin will become wobbly then they don't let me enjoy my life, it means they want me to get a 40 years old girl that the body "is bad Abit already"? It's so sad like that they don't want me to get Sakinah faster, I'm suffering because of loving her then they can't be faster for me.
Why can't I remember what happen to me if I will work hard for many months or just quit also like dishwasher? It's really sad I really can't remember story of doctor then I don't know my future, then I have to experience it and feel the heartbeat if I am quitting job such thing, why nobody is supportive to me?
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