What's my life becoming?

I remember doctor telling me that I will hold $10K cash when I use this number 80244202, cause my question was "what is my number when I have $10K cash in my hands?", but this number is too unique that it can become even 10 years later because I plan to use it for my entire lifetime. So I don't know when I will get it, it's really harsh questions and memories, then sometimes it's voices of Alysha, it's always moment of pain then I can remember by hearing voices again, it's weird, but I remember in school, when I took risperidone, I remember like I thought the pills are cheating pills, to hear back voices of formula such thing, I thought I cheat in school causing me to score 100% in all subject, I thought law gave me special treatment to recruit me into government and let me cheat by hearing voices through eating those pills. I discovered that my memory is so good then somehow I always experience memory loss making me stupid all over again, then with both combined I still managed to pass it means I am actually an intelligent person.

It's really harsh how an intelligent person like me but they risk me committing suicide by not giving me money, life became harder to live and it's like a suffocation all the rulings- like jobclub or past salary kind of pain all collected and gathered to be felt in my current day of life, I feel sad nobody is being comforting to me but have to carry on living my life. Only my brother comforts me telling me to quit my job and find a job myself, I really plan to try that but I don't know my luck, nowadays jobs not easy to get, $1600/mth is too fun to quit too, it's really insane, the job is quite easy just "physical work" then it can't be that I want to quit, I definitely want to continue working here, it's really hard but my life is becoming like a secret stress, because suddenly just now I "have to work" after I exercised and washed my shoes then luckily something else will be arranged, it's so surprising but I have to go through this temporary panic in life, I cant hate them too, yesterday I was given milk tea, so I definitely dont think badly of them too.

I wonder when I will experience easy life. My bank account with $240+ experience an interest of 2cents then I wonder what other bank account interest is like, means my parents can give me money by interest earned but they choose to be like this to me, I watch video of Ustaz Harun if takde makan just makan maggi and takde duit diam2 je, but then I have tattoo, will I become someone that will listen to Ustaz especially if I don't solat yet? It's weird maggi is eaten by my brother even if he have money, I find it very addictive sometimes when I try his way of life, I truly enjoy maggi too, especially with putting other chilli sauce mixed in with 2 Eggs, it's definitely nice to eat.

I don't know why they made me do a job that's physical, but it's really ending, it's 10th now, on the 15th is the first salary calculation, means after 11 and 12 I have 3 days of work to do before my salary calculation, if 1 month is $1600, half month is $800 and I missed 2 days, it means maybe still I will get $600+? Then it means I will do the other half month fully except off day on Monday. But no doctor calls me, and I missed 2 days already, I really dont know what my life is becoming, will I quit the job or continue the job? My brother is my only energy of life left, he seems to understand the most "if no money then work for what" being the common sense to decide a matter like this, I've been searching for job awhile just now then it's nothing to do still, I really feel like staying this job and hopefully I get my money, 11th May will meet doctor anyway, I hope I don't need to question like "where's my money?", it's weird and a lot of anger, then I don't know how to recover from it. Its like a break of energy of happiness or momentum of keeping up going to work. The panic just now too made me wonder why I'm made to feel like that? Why do I panic is it symptom of schizophrenia "scared of humans"? I wonder such thing if I experience such symptom how can I become a psychologist/psychiatrist even?

I remember like Ustaz Harun thinking should let me experience a rich feeling too and I like it a lot, I hope he talk to my parents but I don't know when or how or will he, or it's been too long about me and they(everyone) got tired of me already. I really don't know plans of people and I have to live life like thinking of Sakinah if "it will be handled" or not, then why can't ask her parents for her straight away? If love is matter not like Islam's teaching, to make her love me first, isn't it a relationship first anyway? It's so hard I don't know why I'm even thinking of being with her still, I remember the conversation on M.R.T only like such, means she's actually considered me as nothing, even if she truly want my help of getting her the O.C.B.C Job, why can't I work as a hacker straight and why I have to be a dishwasher first?

Doctors don't know how to release weight from my life to make me feel lighter in life, the weights are unnecessary pain to feel in life, I have nothing to learn from them, it's just too heavy, my life mind focus on world war as a chance to be close to Sakinah, even if I have nieces and nephews too, having Sakinah is an extra love story about "family", I really want to be with her but I can't do anything about it. Why a girl let me feel so helpless and hopeless about it, if she see herself as a shortcut to my nicer life, why didn't she let herself become my shortcut to a lighter and easier life? Why is it wrong if its soulmates?