Zombie energy

It's really bad, I really can't remember to differentiate which words are doctor's, Alysha's and even Ustaz Harun's, I really forgot or thought it's a dream, it's really bad that I can't remember, I can't be energized again to keep working there, it's really bad how the suffering of schizophrenia is doing my life until this extent. I just need to be energized to keep working at the same location, I really don't want to finish my life "paying penalty" on something I didn't sign or agree on, then to just experience it if I quit, it's really bad. Nobody is supporting me. My mother cook nasi ayam today I wonder why, I'm totally at loss about my life plans because jobclub didn't give me my money. I'm like meant to suffer thinking of money.

I don't know if doctor put good words to me at workplace but I know I work properly here, I really don't enjoy tarnishing my name like this, or in a panic feelings. I wish any doctor calls me to comfort me about this job, but then the readers maybe just someone harvesting my writings, I really have no one to talk to, it's like crazy madness. I think I will continue working here because I want to get my first batch of salary then that's it, or complete 1 month to get the $1800/mth salary, it's really crazy they doing this to me like this, I don't know why it's something to stay but then this feeling happens to me.

I don't know if I will become someone reliable due to schizophrenia, the workplace don't seem to know that I have schizophrenia or know something about it, it's just a normal working feeling too, like I am capable is what they meant, I really can finish the jobs properly so far, my energy is only the dancing baby videos to keep me moving on and work hard.

Lately I've given up about Sakinah even if I say out her name often like a mumble, I don't know why my heart or mind is let be to feel this pain, it's really crazy like physical sickness, in my heart I feel weak, I really feel bad and like a useless man. I hope I find a job, maybe I just will work at 7-11 or Cheers that kind of thing, I really don't know.