It's like a start of something new in life, and I hope it's really start of new medicine 1 week later, it's really difficult life with this medicine and injection is painful, I remember I was coping well with risperidone/haloperidol and hope it happens again and this time I hope I can do it well. The change of feelings going to happen as I will no longer feel the pain of injection, I'm really happy and excited of this change, then I hope its the end this time, I really don't know as maybe they will call me back in 1 week for an injection, it's really a long time then for my recovery from anhedonia.
My life as a schizophrenic recovery phase is really bad as I don't have a counsellor or someone that sides me, so their way of caring me is still not like I have medical problem, but they treat anything that I don't wish to do as laze instead, it's really bad, like evil thoughts appearing, but it's like understanding how a divorce happens maybe not by good care of family, means as long as the pace of getting Sakinah is their liking, it is bad and painful for my life journey, I really feel helpless about getting her, nobody is actually helping even if their presence at her life exist, it's not a meaningful word that they put for me for her to change her mind from acting this way and become my lover, it's really bad especially matter of Islam doesn't side me either, means I will have to assume that Ustaz don't side me as fact, it's really sad the pain is real and only felt by a lover like me, it means nobody understands me including doctors, they don't feel the love that I feel, so they regard everything as "going the right way", or "it is the only right or nice way", it's just too bad for me they are not creating Sakinah to fall in love with me earlier than their estimation, because i am still let be all alone in life, it's like I'm hungry for love and they created me to feel desperate and needy, I am sad how a man is created to feel all these then Sakinah or whoever didnt appear, causing me to be hating them a little bit, I need the correct hatred like Sakinah getting married to then leave her permanently, this is not fun my life feeling like shes not married and she's my soulmate, then she acting this manner. It's not good for my health at all thinking about Sakinah too much.
I wonder why nobody help me and why people let me suffer, it's unfair how their health create them to be stable in life but they let me be in pain from schizophrenia and thinking all these from Alysha, they didn't sue Alysha is something I repeatedly wrote then I don't have the attention from "the heart who helps", but maybe just a wish for me to perform what people want instead, it's really sad but they consider sadness like nothing and let me feel the pain everyday, I'm so unstable in my mind like uncontrollable anger so irritated by my family's and relative's decision of not giving me money, they let me suffer feeling poor and I became considering or judging myself as "won't get a wife as fact" because matter of money, it's difficult for me, especially schizophrenia to work, I consider my family and relative as torturing me as fact, it's like my siblings experience divorce, they're not in the nice care of family and relative so it happens, it means it's right that they don't know how to care their kids, it's sad how they let me be in pain for more than 20 years long, my life growing up to become 40 years old in 2 years+, as a poor man that is needy and desperate. I didn't become successful because of schizophrenia but they treat me like someone with attitude problem "so they punish". It's so painful their decision that I assume they call as "discipline", that I still rather live with other adopted family sometimes, my family don't really care at all.
Next month I will ask my brother about car license and hopefully I start doing it, so I pass by December hopefully, I really want the end of pain and just have a successful normal life, at least like someone with capability of driving or riding a bike, it's really sad they let me grow without motivation to do things, except I kept trying to pray etc. for Sakinah, which I then understood zikir and Solat as something meaningless that didn't grant our wish, I wonder why Ustaz didn't consider wish not granted as something important, it makes me give up on my own religion, zikir etc. becomes something I only do sometimes, then hoping for pleasures from Allah, that I always do not get from my effort of zikir, doa, solat. It's really bad nobody prioritize to heal my heart and mind and make me satisfied.
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