No addiction

No addiction to cigarette but I know it's the cause of my instability, I feel like going crazy then I have to hold it in my body like this, it's really sad for a smoker to not have cigarette, then people that can give money chooses not to and we become worried about cigarette instead, I feel people shouldn't get involved and just let a smoker be a smoker, but then too bad for me even reaching 38 years old, I'm like a childish controlled kid, my life is horrible, like torturous everytime, and I feel horrible sometimes, now I'm just laying on my bed that's not nice quality and just writing this, they have decided that this is the best for me, like how they removed alot of items from my room so I don't have any left, it's really sad like having nothing that's a plan, I remember when I was schizophrenic, I thought beer bottles can be sold away, I thought of making money making the bottles cap like 1.5L normal bottle, by using silicone glue, then I destroyed my silicone glue gun on first buy, it spoiled on the spot and can't be used, I wasted money like nothing and people don't feel sad that I waste my money.

I buy chilli tuna most of the night one day, then braised peanuts then it's spoiled and expired, then I really wasted my money already, I buy perfume that costs $2+ then I refill because of thinking the scent is too powerful requiring water added into perfume, it's crazy my mind when schizophrenic, good stuff wasted just like that. When I am schizophrenic, my head hurts like I can't sleep or rest most of the time, it's usually like a magnetic pull to sit down again or I've been magnetized to move my body in odd behaviour, I really became insane when schizophrenic but people just kept making me heartache by not giving me pleasure like money, I kept struggling to live until 38 years old soon, I don't know why doctors didn't tell my family and relative that it's a bad feeling and health for me, but doctors kept that I remain penniless and become a poor man, I would have felt better even with money to buy sweet drinks, then I remembered that when I'm outside ward, even Ice Lemon Tea is like heaven to me, the flavour so nice down the throat, I'm unhappy how my family cared for me, it's like a discipline to a non-schizophrenic, they don't care that I loss a lot of feelings and didn't try to get them back with money, they feel they are doing good to me instead, I don't know and understand why they made me feel tortured like a helpless small boy.

They don't care that they created me to think that they think I'm crazy so shouldn't get a girl because they not getting the girl that I want, they still feel they are better even if my 2nd sister cerai and not perfect decision in life, they thought their care is good plan for my life, they definitely created me in pain without their knowledge and I feel neglected and I just have to try to be happy with things like birthday celebrations, to feel happy that family got together to celebrate, it's really a happy thing the food but then their happiness is the only happiness I can feel in life, not my own personal happiness.

It's like I've decided to leave them permanently 1 day, leaving them after my Degree or Diploma 1 day, I want to live a life on my own even if I become more poor, I just don't think they want to make me feel rich anyway, so it makes like becoming poor is okay and they're not supportive of my life decisions or choices too, it's like don't know how to care of own kids like my 2nd sister is ruined marriage like my brother, it's maybe because of them they didn't try to keep it together at all and let the break-up happens.

Independently my 2nd sister and brother are strong, unlike me very weak to become independent and work on my own, government's money is the best time for enjoyment then it's the only happiness I have every year, my family didn't really want me to become a happier person, if not they probably offered me like "take medicine then be sponsored motorcycle license", something like this, they just didn't motivate me to take medicine but scolding manner instead, I have no gains if doing of what they wish, it's not nice granting wishes if I don't get what I want like a trade too, my sickness is not what I wanted in life, but I get it and being mentally sick or problematic is something like a laughing stock, then it happens to me. I wonder if my popularity in woodlands as a crazy person really exist, it's really bad people definitely had seen me multiple times like a crazy person but they didn't care at all.

I remember going to office to say I thought Ive been fed cicak secretly or have cicak in my stomach eating what I eat, my family don't care that as schizophrenic I feel that way then they let me live on, even when I didn't take my medicine they didn't care about my feelings, I thought I've been poisoned and cicak or telur cicak was what I ate then still I live a hot angry life and full of sadness, they definitely let me out freely and didn't care if I committed suicide. I'm sad of my family way of caring me, it feels like I will become a little bit crazy no matter what anyway, even if my 2nd sister didn't have a baby with her Egyptian husband. It's more like a racial issue like "she love marrying other race" instead to create jealousy to her Hindustan ex-Husband. It's really sad like nobody really cares, they created problem of their own to be occupied so that they have nothing to spend for me in their life, they made themselves no money for me to have no money too(because not given money) and theyre okay about it.

I'm sad about my life condition, I imagine this month without cigarette, to work hard for O level in June, and hope for the best during my 38th Birthday, it really sucks but life really is pushing me into a bad feeling most of the time, I'm upset like no happiness in life. Everywhere is the same, if my mother she will share Whatsapp about Ustaz then it's really nothing fun in life most of the time like exploring Marina Square, Esplanade tryout at new food place, my family really "save money" kind of life different than me, I am the only 1 that don't Solat in the picture of my family Photo during Arshan's Birthday, it's really bad my life, it further pushes me to believe that I won't get married at all anyway, I don't know when people will start caring about me or talking something nice to me, even removing tattoo have no confirmation of such thing, I can't wear short sleeve with tattoo, as mine is not nice until half arm, it's really sad like a tail when people see if I wear short sleeve. Nobody cares that I feel bad. It's like an angry feeling because "feel bad" means "feel guilty" in other definition, it's really hard to describe my feelings to people, nobody understands me including doctors.