I really think it's my last time this time, haha, or it's another repeat? Lol. My life is full of sadness and suffering maybe is why I feel like smoking, maybe people don't realize they are torturing me as I am living a normal life experience, without talk of making the pain goes away or the ease into life from the sufferings of schizophrenia, the imaginations are too much then I still just remembered that I need to walk around lesser so I can compare if I hear voices because of walking alot. Hearing voices is something normal to me while others may not realize it, they probably will believe theres something wrong about my brain then I became to look like someone that shouldn't have a girlfriend. Maybe I look crazy like someone that shouldn't have a girlfriend, it's really bad like I can't have a life, they let me not try for girls and I can't find a suitable job, I'm definitely feeling like a tortured man, I can't have freedom until I am reaching 38 years old, they definitely wanted me crazy if hate me, Sakinah didnt mind if I try to have babies or even get in the way to stop such random thing, I wonder what a soulmate is for but why she don't really care anyway. No girls cared how they have left me all alone and split up for so many years then they all living their life while I am experiencing pain, it's so unfair people dont understand the pain that I am in and just simply have regarded me as someone with a mental problem.
It's bad to be profiled or status as "a mental problem", everything I don't have becomes okay to not have anything, I am let to be experiencing a poor lifestyle and just imagining of living my life with the items I see at internet biz places, then I end up buying and changing of my plans then not going out at all with the clothes I bought, it's really bad the torture, like why nobody cares anyway, waiting for 19th June is too long for life, it's like a retarded feeling again and again 7.30a.m to 7p.m nothing to do, then I didn't Solat etc., always at Sofa with phone browsing the usual TikTok and Facebook, I really have no life, and nobody goes out with me to kill the boredom for me, they let me suffer and feels tortured like this, I don't even have computer and RG477V is boring due to anhedonia, I'm so unlucky in multiple reasons then nobody pitied me 1 bit.
All I know is I have finished my cigarette, then I imagined myself cold turkey holding my head craving for cigarette then forcing myself to not take anything then I live my daily life just doing nothing? The same everyday?
Life is like hell and torture, I don't even feel like watching Netflix due to anhedonia, it's so long this 1 year is happening, then I hope the doctor change my medicine soon, I really feel sad how I don't have a perfect life, like a crazy man then broken family as my bloodline, it's really sad why people let such thing happen and they don't care, their happiness really gone to not be together? I am definitely going crazy because of the imperfections that happened in my family. The impact is not really felt because of constant memory loss about it, it's really crazy like I can't be stable thinking. Sometimes I wish my 2nd sister just have a baby but then I feel it's a waste as fact, the perfection of a lineage is gone when her ex-husband's marriage promoted such belief as he got children now of his own with other mother than his first child, it's really boring I see the family tree as broken, then an Egyptian added into the family tree, without children, why doctor saying I will go crazy if they have child then my 2nd sister still married anyway? Why Ustaz have nothing to say to me about this marriage, macam weird I don't get the perfection, then I thought keluarga Wali Allah akan bahagia and dapat apa kite hendak, means I really was made to believe such by Wali Allah then it means he made me thought that I will get Sakinah 1 day, then what about my 2nd sister's marriage with other man, doesn't it reflect an understanding as "sex with another man", why her ex-husband didn't care and let the family tree be destroyed? It's really weird like childish to be sulking of the divorce, but perfecting the tree should be the goal of each marriage in the world.
It's really an unhappy ending and looks really like "happily ever after" on her ex-husband's side, it's like he sacrifice Dina's perfect family portrait instead in my view that he doesn't try to stop marriage of my 2nd sister with Egyptian, it's really crazy, I have to understand life a different way like it's okay to be a Mother of 2 different Fathers in my family? Why this craziness happens? Only Man is okay to marry a Janda in my opinion, it's really sad they(my 2nd sister and her ex-husband) didn't keep up the perfection, I feel like my family have been destroyed and ruined becoming imperfect, why they do all that anyway? Dina was only a baby at that time then at baby age she didn't experience a life of happy parents together, but life with another mother suddenly, it's really weird, 2 mothers is still better I feel, it's sad she don't experience a meaning of family, I'm so unhappy with what they're doing as ex-couple, both married others, but 1 scarily have children but men can marry 4 anyway, it's like a scar too to Dina, then nobody cares, she looks happy too is weird, the perfection is let gone then my 2nd sister's ex-husband didn't try for 2 wives, it's really madness these many years, I'm let be as schizophrenic and kept losing my memories.
Yesterday was Arshan's birthday so we ate at Mr. Uncle again and ate Ikan Bakar Sweet & Sour, it was nice with Kangkong, Telur Dadar, and Cereal Prawn, it's satisfying the food.
Boring the perfection of my family is gone then my relatives seems okay about it, like considering it like a heartbreak and putus matair instead of a true marriage that's broken, don't know why they don't help about making my 2nd sister and her ex-husband back together, it's really sad. If my 2nd sister have a child with her new husband, I definitely will try to have a child too, then making the family imperfect, I really don't care about my number being perfect anymore, because her view of family perfection still exist in a different way, it's too weird, then surprisingly her ex-husband didn't effort for her to not marry someone else, what about Dina's happiness of a perfect family? It's really weird like sacrificing his own daughter if my 2nd sister tally and make child with another man. I feel they both only needed psychics at that time but then their feelings won the psychic and marriage happens, then children happens, then it's the end of a perfect family, my 2nd sister like scarring the family of having sex with other man, it's really harsh but true.
So boring I love babies then if she have babies with Egyptian man, I just have to accept the fact that life of family tree is really like that and something that can happen, is really crazy, so many years then both just give up, man to tantrum is bad in this case and have children but then the perfection of a girl like don't exist anymore, it's really weird like negative American love story that marriage with multiple man and so many divorce as something okay, there's other love story like A Soldier working hard and wife always at home with children, it's more admired by me than this kind of stuff. It's like wanting me to accident with a random girl and have children, it's really bad, I don't know how they see it as okay and perfect but I really think doctor is right that I will become crazy 1 day if it happens. Don't know why high status people don't care and let it be for almost 20 years now, I don't like the imperfection, it's like family image is ruined, even worse than a man having a tattoo.
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