Same feelings

It's like a bug the feelings in my heart, like something uneasy, like will it end? I really don't know why sometimes I just feel motivated to learn then sometimes it became a lazy feeling, then it's like I bought the Surah and Iqra book, I haven't learnt from it yet, it's heavy the weight thinking of how I will be okay in this life when this year feels like an entire year of doing nothing but at home, it's luckily the month of May where June is hopefully start of new phase of having friends to accompany in life, I've been alone for so long but I really don't know if it will happen, I remember like doctors or R will give me money, I definitely won't spend for O level if it's like that, unless it's doctor's money, what would make it easy for me to take a help from someone, would it be real or just my imagination, what would I be doing with the money too? I probably just save it for next year, I really don't know what's making me a difficult life every time, people have money like nothing while if me if I get it, it feels like being gifted something.

Just now I ate Pulot Ayam with chilli, it's really nice but there's only 1 left, I wanted to buy 2 but it's finished, I wonder of the happiness of the owner of minimarts, do they have a life like everytime it's work everyday, it's really boring, I feel like working at mart too but I didn't ask, I really have no idea what to do to my life for now, it feels like "focus on medicine" is the reality of my chosen decision, I will be at home the rest of the year? I won't spend my time with anyone for real? Why is it like this?

So if I have no one I will really be learning O level by myself for next year then just be a loner? What about stories of Epul going to R.T.S link with me to Johor? It's going to be a new life, it's really a weird feeling too if they would remember me it's like I just taking advantage of people's help into my life, even if their reason is weird I really don't believe but thinking it's pity instead, then I remember it's been too long then I don't want to expect it too much, I just assume people will forget about me anyway.

I wonder when I will have fun in life if next year is O level? Why I don't sound weird about my schizophrenia being forgotten and it's like an old man "baru nak maju" thing, people don't treat my mental sickness seriously is why they don't think that I'm at old age "then O level", it really disturb my chances of studying or achieving in life then they still treat me like a normal person instead, I don't know why they don't rush for me to have fun and happiness in life, they let me endure and suffer in life instead.

I forgot that the true feelings I should feel is, "everyone is gone" living their own life already and I'm left behind and forgotten been so long already, it's just the memory loss been too frequent the over 15 years then it felt like I'm still young even right now, just now in toilet I feel like "is this reality I'm moving in my life, experiencing to pee" like a man that just became aware of the surrounding, really life is like this? Like a lot of heartbeat of own thoughts. It's like a crazy: "this is me living life, the reality", yesterday I imagined myself jumping down the building then still alive, then I remembered about dreaming of motorcycle accident, then I woke up still alive, it's really weird, I even ever dream I thought i really jumped down from building and then I suddenly woke up, the dreams are scary when it's schizophrenic dreaming, it would just feel like a reality.

I'm thinking of how to live my life now, if I smoke everyday I'm deadmeat, but it's $4.30×3 for 6 or more days, it's really only some amount for quite a long duration of days, I wonder how I can live my life normally without smoking then not experiencing my mind blanking out to not know what to write at blog because the time keeps moving slowly if I do nothing in life.