I think all schizophrenic have a problem, but I don't have a male friend that have schizophrenia to communicate daily, it's really boring, I have no one to talk to, I wonder if my neighbours feel their heart not peaceful most of the time and always crying(in heart) for help like me, are they more peaceful than me due to taking medications daily? I'm almost 1 year but I feel like this instead. I feel like buying Sketch Book to remember my past plan about taking photo every year, I think I will have picture from 37 after ward and then to have another photo at 38 years old, it will definitely be cool to see the difference, my future children definitely will be happy knowing my past like this.
It's weird how I don't dream of my future children even if they are psychics, psychics most probably don't know why I'm feeling bad most of the time and then around 2 days ago I realized that Hari Raya been over a long time, haha, I really didn't realize at all and only few visits from people, it's really cool anyway because I usually don't talk to people.
I'm quite feeling unsure about this coming June if my friend would appear and give me a computer like he said he would, it's like an excitement and mixture of thinking "why people made such promise" as it made me happy in the past then became unsure in the future(presently), I'm so old turning 38 years old and hope they remind me of my age and tell me about the 16+ years kind of life that I still feel like within 1 year of my life, I also hope that Aby appeared in my life again on my birthday, as at that time we plan to marry each other and she knowing I will recover only at 38 years old. I don't know why doctors let the split-up happens and risking the relationship to become/feel like nothing, doctors didn't help to unite me and whoever that I love and let me live on being alone for so long is what I realized, they actually don't care at all too. It's harsh but I have to swallow all their treatment "like it's good and the best" because of certifications especially jobclub ideas that I always work at places I always fail and give up, repetitively losing my effort money multiple times. It's really sad and disappointing after trusting and believing then it happens again and again, even if after maybe almost 10 years, it's probably the same job location because I have ever felt that place before. It's so heartless like uncaring to a schizophrenic, I don't understand why it's like that.
The countdown to 19th June is quite exciting because of receiving pity presents or money because I had loss memory for so long in my life, I want to feel life again like knowing the outside world of places like City Hall etc. I really loss a lot of life experiences and becoming like my parents that don't usually go to shopping malls for more than 20 years, they didn't really have fun in life but their fun is J.B home or Batam home, and food at there, they have nothing to worry about like me, I always worry a lot about my future and I feel unstable of getting a good job for myself, like right now I don't know what job I will work as, then thinking of the $1400+-$2000 that I will earn for my first salary, what makes me so energetic to work until like that? Is it an "if" story by doctor or it's a reality thing? Why I can't remember what I would work as by doctor like my number 80244202 was ever told by doctor then I don't remember except after getting it? Why did i experience something like this in life like "doctor didn't lie" then like "maybe doctor lied or made up a story", why they didn't give me accurate detail about my future?
It feels like doctor said that I will work washing RED plates, manually, but I really don't know it means I will keep checking for dishwasher again and again, I really hope it's not so tiring kind of job too. I kept searching for job at Facebook then it's a lot of fake job vacancy to go to their advertised website instead, it really sucks I really don't know what's going to happen to me.
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