I remember like "1 day I will walk there again but as after O and A level qualification", can I actually do that? It's really difficult imagination, I remember "Crow Yuzree" ever planned the same but he was ready to enter prison during our N.S days, then he really did it, then Drinkz Business and Toy Car Business known as "Black Crow", it's hard to imagine people like us having tattoos then aspire to score greatly in life, then "Crow Yuzree" successfully did it, it's definitely admired kind of effort, I will be outside during my O and A level, with R as my daily visit at school, maybe eating together but she will want to know my timetable so she comes at correct timing instead. It will be weird our communication, as she never tried to remind me when I'm alone, maybe because doctor said I can faint or coma if force myself to remember, I only remember like a break-up occur, then I loss memory then none of the girls remind me or help me anything, it's really boring how my recovery moment can be so serious like a brain damage instead, luckily I don't become a vegetable hahaha.
Wow I imagine O level 2027, A level 2028, Psychology 2029, Islamic Studies After Psychology or even Law Studies, which year will I remove my tattoo then? Why can't it be 2026? I am forgetting that 2026 maybe I will be taking car license? I feel energized to buy revision books at Popular just now, money is not the problem I guess, then imagine myself doing O levels in Library, but then it feels like too fast, I ever saw O level takes only 5 months and there's 2 Times enrolment moment in a year in a private school, means next year I have 2 chances to go, the 2nd time start on July, it made me feel like going anyway but then I guess no such thing will happen.
I wonder why people can't appear in my life faster to support a different way, like talking and remembering me stuff, they treat my sickness like I have an attitude problem is the sad thing and I can't do anything about it, I want to be like any sick people in life like being gifted things, food, money but such thing didn't happen to me, my life is so bad that I am treated like non-schizophrenia, I feel sad it's like this.
I estimate $180 to finish by end June, I hope it will be like that, I planned to save the money for a long time and just try to live life better each day. I wrote in my journal about feeling like wanting to buy a sketchbook. I feel like pasting photos of myself "after ward" and "after 1 year on medication" etc. to see the changes, I definitely have grown a lot and become fatter. I'm sad how Wahdiah and Shahridah didn't visit me, but it's something about helping me to not imagine too much I think, I really have no choice if I don't take medicine they can't see me anyway or else I will imagine whatever Alysha had said, I'm so sad about it, that my life is like this.
It's weird how my recovery is only a little, my memory thinking about years ago as something fresh but then I can't remember some things, I really don't know what will happen to me, will I work at all or just be living around until government gives money? It's really scary my life how I imagine myself as someone that cant work most of the time, it's really hard but I have to endure my life like this, there's no helping hand in life, the sudden cure to appear in my life didn't appear too, it's like my wish to impact a lovely feeling and feel so happy seeing Sakinah, but she didn't try at all, I don't know what she's earning money for, life is boring, she didn't even try to get to know my family so that it becomes easier to communicate with me, all her communications are just maybe like "if I talk to her I would say ..", like something invisible, something that never happened but something I will conversate with her that is true, it's like somewhere an unknown conversation happen but that will be true like she knows me more than I know her, her luck having psychics are like that, she didn't even tell one to accompany my life journey in life if I have any questions, most probably about Job, then I know doctor's suggestion about Job is bad like JOD, then I really don't know what to do, maybe their expertise is not really about what jobs I should do, but just telling me straight "what is my future like?", but they don't repeat such thing and like to tell only during moments that I will lose my memory, there's no pain-relief about thinking about this, like I need a painkiller from the anger and feeling wasted daily, as I have grown old in life, they all let me grow old like Sakinah did, a meaningless life journey and ambitious for a brighter happier life and successful profile of ownself.
No comments:
Post a Comment