I don't know if I can do this, like learning by my own self 1 day, from schizophrenia then a studious person always with books and at library? Will that really happen to me? I have no one accompanying me and I pray that June I have friends appearing remembering that I am 38 years old already, my recovery age, just don't know the recovery month. It's really heavy life like a lot of matters in my mind. I feel like mental ache sometimes but my heart wants to be peaceful, so I will desire girls to be around but none of them being merciful towards me, theres no signs of sympathy from any of them, I just realize I could be living by myself all alone and not even get money in June because it's been too long, I really wonder what will happen to me.
Yesterday night when (early morning/late night) writing of blog post about "Seeing things", I have 11 viewers I wonder who are they to be even awake at such timing, it feels like I should blog anytime I want, I also feel like adding schizophrenic people like my contact list to keep in touch with them outside, maybe just planning to make friends if I get warded again on 29th June. I'm thinking of making myself live like not spending money like in ward, then to just imagine daily like that "but at home", I wonder if I should do such stunt to keep myself having money.
"A treatment like doctor would treat me but at home and only walk around outside", for 1.5months? Can I even do such thing properly? It's the best idea I think, then I still have android everyday, then Iqra book sometimes even reading Yassin if I feel like it. Future to be successful are a lot of sacrifices, maybe I should just buy O level revision books and try my luck if it comes out next year as the syllabus, I really feel like trying something like this, start at Month of June since now is May? I'm happy that now is Month of May, maybe it's my first time to be remaining outside ward after all.
I'm hoping that after 1 year of medication, I really get money from my relatives to support my life, I hope none of them let me suffer a lot more than I already have, especially wanting me to work when I can't find a job yet, it's really hard that life has to be this way. I imagine lightness from them and I became more confident to spend money on O level revision books, that I can continue next year if I don't finish it in 6 months, I have imagined myself as someone that can become successful, but then I wonder how I can have such confidence again, my aunt only tell me to "work hard", the only thing left "is to try again for 100% even if achieved 100% and made to loss memory", people don't feel bad at all when they made me lose my memory, they don't come back to anger me most probably because I will memory loss again, then especially to experience anhedonia suddenly, it is really bad simultaneous sickness into my life.
I'm so stressed about jobs but I have self-promised to live like inside ward but just the comfort of my home, means everyday is nothing exciting "without pity", like a man being created to become insane, when actually "it is the recovery process" to go through. That's the only way to keep myself having money. 2× Redbull per day is $72/mth, I calculated. I really trying my best to do the Redbullz most of the time instead.
It's so sad my sad stories didn't even create Sakinah to come to me and make me feel happy, she's so heartless that I wish doctors would just let her experience schizophrenia all alone, because the little thing she can do but she didn't try to make me happy, if secretly is not something nice because it definitely won't reach my heart as I don't know.
My love story wishes been already told like imagined for multiple times but she just feeling nothing, and not even an endurance to be apart from me, she has no feelings for me at all. Maybe it's why it's nothing to her I should just live my life thinking I have 0 chances again and just be love sick all over again, it's weird she's doing something like this to me, it's not a nice heart at all, like parents don't give money to their children but want to have a baby, it's really sad until like that, then even if schizophrenia, no money was given to make me happy but they let a suffering heat of anger and sadness continuously into my heart and brain, it's really an unfortunate way to get to live this life, people are getting support from their parents since N.S days but me nothing at all.
I'm gathering the courage to go through this pain by myself like in ward everyday feeling nothing but hearing noises of I.M.H patients, it's been almost a year on medicine and my memories maybe causing the feelings in my heart like sadness, upset, bad, unhappy and unpeaceful. I saw my neighbour just now who have schizophrenia, her life is much happier without yearly ward she's so lucky taking medicine been so long and not at ward, I definitely want a feeling of having a spouse too that cares for me even if I have schizophrenia, this is too much my mind can't even communicate with anyone to get a lover especially me being a shy person, it's definitely impossible to get a lover already especially at this age. Sakinah is so bad to me but I don't know why I have feelings for her, it's definitely her beauty made me fall for her so hard, people are not nice to me like not getting her for me and let me grow until 38 years old soon. It's like something too late anymore the fun and pleasure like got taken away, I became so fat and ugly and too much white hair, I don't know how to be happy in my meaningless life but to wait for next year O level is so long and hard.
So boring my life, I'm thinking if I can do it like "Crow Yuzree", will I get to complete every matter that I wished for? I hope so, I hope life is not the end for me, it truly feels like I will do O level revision this year, so next year I'm much more ready for it, that's the real plan anyway, I feel I would be outside at Library most of the time maybe, or just inside my house in my room, I really want to do well, I wonder how to do well, maybe I should borrow books to improve my English and Malay language, I worry if I will become messy in my mind then cant truly think properly, then if I'm doing all these I guess it's okay to start Islamic Studies late, unless I can finish something within 6 months, like a certificate or knowing Al-Quran even, it's really something I must do, I hope August is enough time to get what I want because it's the only time money comes in, I cant rely on my friends because usually people just forget, but then Epul speaks like someone believable I really wonder then if he's being truthful, why if someone treat me like a brother but don't appear in my life? Is it because of my imagination also? I really wonder, I also would want him to write in my blog 1 day and join family forum if he really treat me like that, then the rest of my family can know about it, it's because the amount he plan to support me is a lot and I think it must be like that he is serious if he really do it. I just like the stories how people will make my life lighter.
I think of just reading books 1 day at library, to try such thing in life, if I really can make it about "studying hard" for O level, people don't really start by end of the year right I think? Usually it's 1 year or 6 months before O level people starts becoming serious? So like sec 3.5 will start becoming serious to learn, I think? To improve English and Malay language. I really hope I can do such thing, I wonder when will I start and how long it's going to be, will someone accompany me? Will I be left alone? It will definitely be boring but I need to "work hard" like my aunt says, so that I don't lose memory anymore, it's really harsh the schizophrenic moment can just happen, but I remember I must keep taking medicine to look stable outside like my neighbours, they have been surviving well, have childrens, and 1 became grandparent already, they got to live their life to the fullest, it's so exciting that schizophrenia have somebody to love and care for us, I'm so unlucky love didn't spark to last until "being with you even if you have schizophrenia", it's really sad and a lot of anger, I can't stabilize myself because of thinking of this.
I hope I will start soon, hopefully by June at least reading books in Library.
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