No advises

My life is so boring I have no one to talk to, it feels like if I don't do the common sense of what people wish for me to do, I will be ignored entire life, people don't see schizophrenia as an additional pain but it being an attitude problem instead, it's really sad. My 2nd sister is not someone that will be advising me properly because she got married second time after leaving her ex-husband who got married to another person, it's weird for a girl imagined as "to become a wife" "to only be with 1 man" then she made bad decision like "it is okay to be with another man", but then Rasullullah s.a.w married janda too, then he's a man as fact, doesn't this mean that the girls in my family are not loyal to only 1? It kinda ruin the image, the fun of a family is gone, now seeing my niece have 2 mothers as fact, then my 2nd sister is like a 2 husbands instead, it's so boring, her husband don't even speak English that I understand but he's nice person I think if not my 2nd sister wouldn't be attracted to him, or maybe she just likes other races "as her husband", as he's Egyptian, while her ex-Husband is a Hindustani I think, the one that scores high by knowledge of our family but then fall in marriage life and even if her ex-husband is nice to their child, doesn't it mean he won't hurt their child as she can visit him alone since long time ago? It's weird I feel like my family is ruined by fact.

Life is boring we don't have a perfect family, why should I study O level then? Maybe mentally I really need to be stronger because of what happened, so maybe I really need to learn psychology, it's really not a perfect life, especially if my brother's ex-wife really touches other men, the perfection of a family is gone, about "Loyalty", it somehow created that "it is okay that Sakinah have touched other men", like a balasan that my 2nd sister have a new husband, then I can only marry Sakinah after she had done things with other guys, like tunang, then it's weird, I think it's balasan Allah that it fall on her brother.

My family became lousy in my sight as the perfection is gone, I think when I study psychology, I will understand why their love is okay and fine, it's maybe I am having schizophrenia. It means my family are not good at advising people, it means more to become a Psychology student, because my mother don't have a daughter that's loyal to only 1 man, it's crazy I really don't like the changes for so many years, then I remember during their marriage I think I stayed in my room because rejected it, then I guess my words are nothing, I don't know why Ustaz Harun didn't help too, like let the loyalty not happen, and the imperfection happened, "imperfection made love perfect" lol, it's stupid life I have. I imagine if my 2nd sister have another child, then I need to be psychologically stable so I need to learn psychology that "it is okay", if all entering heaven anyway, in Syurga Dina will have 2 Mothers? It's like merepek unless she marries her ex-husband.

The imperfection imagined like "girl touches others" in my family is sad like I don't want if I have a daughter to be like that, so maybe that's why they don't want me to get married and that's why they don't let me out with girls, it's crazy, their decisions are like my imperfect family happened, it's like doctor saying to work at JOD then I thought it's good idea then wasted my working effort at there and no salary, it's crazy, doctor specializes about medicine then nothing else. It's like a good wife cant exist in my family, but luckily Dina is staying on with the same person, I hope she don't become like her mother. I don't feel my family is perfect at all.

My mother saw that I am typing so she asked if I "buat cerita", doesn't it mean "buat fitnah"? But she still spoke it even if it's sensitive to schizophrenics, this means I cant receive advise from my mother too, it's just my bad luck I don't have anyone that can advise me especially their love story is bad, then they want to decide my relationship with Sakinah to not happen, most probably as it's been too many years. I probably in the end, at 38 years old maybe will just masturbate imagining Sakinah's mother or aunt at her house at that time I remember, then just forget about her like my family "not good decision" to keep living it up as it's in the bloodline.