Day 263 out of ward(311 on medications)

Hoping for a recovery moment but I feel heavy today, I just ate my medicine that I'm unsure if I ate already at 7.25a.m maybe, then I fall asleep, my alarm didn't go off maybe is why I am confused. I just took medicine anyway because feeling like late, then I guess I hope I will be fine, it's my first time I forgot maybe too much memory yesterday that made me happy and not at the same time.

I'm remembering about my 2nd sister conversation with her ex-husband that I got angry she wanted to cerai and I loss my memory, I feel the perfection of a family is gone just like that without her thinking properly, it's weird and the memory loss happens out of anger, I really don't know what to do yesterday it kept replaying in my mind but luckily I didn't memory loss again but only in the morning I forgot that if I have taken the medicine, so I hope I only take 2 medicine one time instead of 2 times. Their divorce really affected me as I feel about family perfection such thing. It's weird that since Dina was a baby she still was sent to her father's then actually it's no problem at all like her father was entrusted the baby for some days anyway, means he won't harm his own baby, then it's like that. I feel it's a waste kind of feeling, and if she have another baby from another man it's a waste of perfection.

I think I want to marry 4 girls like story of doctor that I will marry 4 so that my 2nd sister will marry her ex-husband, but then I don't know if her husband reads then it's just too bad my feelings don't really exist as a family perfection thing like I think I need to be psychologically treated because of the shock of their divorce, it's about "only 1 man" if to have sex with other man is breaking the loyalty, the point of marriage at first is about loyalty, then she killed the perfection making me think she's not the best advisor of my life, I am really sad how it's like that.

I remember everytime I memory loss I thought it's Liquor or Meth, I thought to make Meth is to mix Liquor with Ajinamoto and it becomes a hard crystal object to burn and smoke. It's really crazy, I think I was ever addicted to liquor but I loss my memory, drinking liquor was mixed with ice cream so the bitter flavour didn't really finish or make us puke, then mixing with redbull too for making it sweeter.

It was like 16 years or 17 years ago? 

I really loss my memory but only during medicine moment. It's really sad.

I don't know how to recover from the imperfection my 2nd sister created about "a family", I still imagine like the wife of her ex-husband with other man then the point of marriage about loyalty is a promise broken. Maybe I will follow story of doctor that I will marry 4 then see if they fight or quarrel to promote her to marry her ex-husband in order for the perfection of family to happen again.

I'm thinking like if I should be let me thinking the wastage as continuing, it's been over 15 years as fact then nobody is helping me about them, I don't know what my parents think why they let it happen, maybe secretly unhappy of the imperfection but my 2nd sister somehow became kepale batu, I really don't know, if a family is all the same feeling then maybe my parents are unhappy about it too, then maybe everyone just upset about keyloggers but then she chat with budak selenger anyway at that time, something harmless but then breaking the point of marriage, then because of no pictures then her ex-husband was angry, it was sad and disappointing for him I really kept forgetting i was angry if they divorce, if family is all the same traits maybe my entire family was angry then loss memory too? I remember doctor saying all my family will have schizophrenia, means they will lose memory too one day, it's something about created by Alysha's talks/lies.

Then my 2nd sister if schizophrenia she would be mentally unstable already, if she's a police then justice should be on her ex-husband's side because she's married shouldn't chat with other guys. I think she just want to make jealousy that's why any selenger man, because if a normal man won't go out with other's wife. I hope the schizophrenic occurrences in my family happens sooner so they don't treat me like an attitude problem but schizophrenia instead. All I know about schizophrenia is the feeling would be like in Hadis Qudsi about ujian Dari Allah feels like wanting to tear own clothes, it's a hot feeling. Then even if this is too early it's still a way to stop regrets in future if she haven't done anything with her husband, the loyalty somehow can be treasured and the family happiness should happen for real.