I wonder if today I will be okay, I started to feel like going to the library to read books, to improve my English and Malay language before O level starts next year then I wonder why I'm not so energetic about it, maybe it's still the month of May, maybe I will start feeling it around June?
I'm so boring maybe I shouldn't effort too much anyway, because my family is not perfect, the loveliness doesn't exist like being caring to a schizophrenic they are like torturing me instead, I tried to be independent like cooking myself because I'm at this age already, they probably treating me like a down syndrome that is trying to become independent, it's really sad the torture as something real and painful. I am not offered to learn O level first, like they let the days goes by that I'm such a low-achiever, like it will happen again, it's really sad like I became someone useless for real? I hope 11th May onwards I don't feel suicidal, because if change of medicine it's means anhedonia will be gone or just become very little, it would be great how I will change in habits and daily life playing games instead.
I feel like the mess created by my 2nd sister is quite crazy, how can she marry another person? It's so heartless like a narcissist, Dina visiting her father every week I think maybe just like a pleasant life, it's so confusing, it's like I'm also the same feelings towards other girls, like we apart for so long then she and her ex-husband are not fixing the relationship, it's just the weirdest divorce ever, if she worry of Dina she would have fought back like crazy to not let her ex-husband take her but then it proves that her ex-husband won't harm Dina already then it means the divorce is something weird like an attitude problem instead, they were living life happily watching movies together eating nuggets and fries with chilli sauce and mayonnaise then suddenly break up only after a few years, it's such a waste the perfection of a loyal girl didn't happen. I wish somehow Dina would try to fix their relationship anyway, I imagine like my 2nd sister without her ex-husband then if her husband made her to shout all anger it's like making ownself injured anyway, like a profile of peace actually gone then she's not a peaceful person as fact.
Don't know why she became like a narcissist and left her ex-husband. Toying with a selenger man because she have definitely no feelings for him, then I somehow not stable in my mind because of such thing but the point is that man is selenger maybe because then it made my heart like feeling nothing but just anger from the loss of perfection in a love story.
I'm definitely dead meat how my family bad decisions to their life, then to my life as they are the handler of it, my mother's talks can be painful like Alysha's mouth, but maybe because Alysha is their anak angkat anyway, as she calls my mother "Mak" and my father "Baba". Such a bad girl that will create my mother schizophrenia maybe then she will wake up that she's been ill-treating me to be without money everyday to imagine loss of chances of a love story especially then the chance increased into writing this down "to be known by girls" that I am a poor person instead, to lose any chances possible with a girl, ruining my happiness and energy to live life entirely, it feels definitely suicidal and a true torture. Maybe heartless too.
I feel like my family is heartless and the celebration of birthday are like fake or waste of money, when they can actually give me money, they spend somewhere that's expensive instead, the food at Mr Uncle is too small for example, then they rather spend like that instead of giving me money, i remember I ordered cheese naan and it's so small like a mini prata that have cheese inside cut into 4, it's quite crazy and waste of money, then I see the price as expensive like $4+ I think? I imagine if they spend a lot of barbeque it would be more fun and save a lot of money for a lot more food too, like barbeque chicken, barbeque sausage, then even buying sausage bread to eat, even potato wrapped in aluminium, it would be fun like that, then eating nasi goreng, maybe they only will spend like $60 only instead of $123 nice numbers from their spendings, making it like a funny happiness of a fun pleasure done in life, the price for Dina's birthday was that I think. Dina also didn't feel like a waste, the sauce costs $9+ or $8+ I think and it's so small I only took 1 spoon from Dina, and didn't buy the sauce for naan as Dina ordered garlic naan.
Spending days with my 2nd sister's ex-husband is more clever and save of money, maybe other shops the naan is bigger and around the same price, I imagine.
The days of my life have been ruined like Sakinah didn't appear, my 2nd sister divorce, my brother also divorce, it's like a sad thing then if I don't get married, I will be sad and people will torture me like "I am desperate to get married", what? Why is my life like this? I really just goaling to become a grandfather in life. I want a morning white coffee with books to read, then live with a pet, then just work then even if this is only every weekend, I will be happy about it, then nobody achieving me the lifestyle that I want.
Life in Singapore the government didn't support cigarette spendings like increasing it 20% more twice already in budget, or maybe actually been more times that I don't remember due to schizophrenia, then the government is actually nice for giving the Assurance Package, G.S.T and Cost-of-Living money, to survive life, why they don't force a "cut for quitting cigarette" like making a plan to follow to quit cigarette using the money they giving so they can buy us the cigarette instead to quit in a slow manner? They forcing a cold turkey type of quitting? It's really bad some people just unstable to think "if no cigarette" then "want to spend on cigarette" first, then in the end having no money left.
I hope money flows into my life to support me so I can try myself if I can go City Hall if there's O.C.B.C to meet Sakinah around 5.45p.m outside as I imagine her work finish at 5.30p.m or even 12noon break-time? I really don't know my family don't let me try and I suffer from their torturous decision like a baby in tantrum but only in my heart the rage lives on, I definitely feel mentally unstable many times then doctors as psychic doesn't do anything more to help me but I have grown into becoming 38 years already sadly. Sakinah also don't use her initiative of what I need or want but remain far away from me like I won't die the next day everyday. Stupid how I still love her when her mind is only "like that". Another secret torture on top of my family's horrible way of caring my life like giving no money to survive schizophrenic feelings, or evade pain in life.
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