Heavy life

Feels boring like my words are meaningless invisible common sense expressions that's been blocked totally. My future is left to be in my own hands like no one is being supportive then maybe next year about O level, it's really crazy I feel like learning first but then it became like "maybe just read books first", it's really bad I have no idea what I should do. I'm just trying to be stronger mentally but I know life can be different like Sakinah becoming into my life but she just don't, she's just attitude like my 2nd sister, I wonder if the girl I will marry will become the mother of my child, then it means in Syurga I will be with 2 wife if 2, even if doctors said that I will marry 4, it would be nice anyway so that can promote my 2nd sister and her ex-husband to remarry, haha. Life is boring like I have no one that catches me up with things in life, then ever since I use android it feels like I have nothing else I can do, like "why would i need a computer?", I would maybe want a controller to play games on computer then, then I feel like switching the saved games of RG477V with Computers to play both ways. It's really boring but life is really like that.

I really don't know what to write anymore, I just want my anhedonia to recover so I can finish my days using my console everytime, then it's 11th May that it may happen, it's quite exciting feeling as going to change of medicine then I still feel like asking doctor if I should learn O level first, it's really bad I have no one to talk to about my plans, then I will wonder if other's advises are good because a broken love story maybe their life still stronger but like a messed up thing like my 2nd sister married the 2nd time and risk the loyalty as it means staying in the same house, it's really crazy my life of imperfection that if they have a child I will become thinking I will be insane/crazy instead, it's bad my 2nd sister don't think at all the imperfection of like Dina will have 2 siblings from different mother and father when actually "different mother" is just okay already as Islam allow multiple marriage. Don't know if it will be good, I would feel awkward and still feels like a stranger to me.

I remember in ward there's a nurse that looks like my 2nd sister's ex-husband then I thought her ex-husband came to rescue me from the spike of meth and boredom, then it's actually the nurse that looks like him and it's my schizophrenia symptom unable to recognize someone, I ever remembered that I thought my brother pretended as someone else to enter ward to accompany me in ward, then I speak to him in English as thought my brother pretended as a Chinese, haha. My memories really gone when I have schizophrenia, it's really sad and scary, like a crazy man suddenly "actually have no family to rely on", then just "stay in ward with crazy or dirty people" surviving the days until time to be out of ward. People don't pity me how I suffer in ward every year for 1.5mths, then sometimes it's multiple times into ward within a year then they still put me in despite the pain inside ward is like a prison. Don't they remember that sometimes a criminal placed into I.M.H as alternative prison kind of thing, because of wrongdoings in public life? I feel my parents are heartless as the 29th June is coming closer I feel the pressure "if I will be warded again this year for another 1.5mths", it's really sad like a "no escape and pushed into becoming insane", because if not I won't feel suicidal anyway? If the treatment are a lot of pleasure I won't feel suicidal, I just became "a good action" thats painful, and losing my freedom, the horror of next month is really just thinking if I will be warded again.

The food are sometimes nice, like nasi lemak nuggets, it's really good then sometimes the noodle looks too much like a taugey then it's not nice to eat I usually don't eat and skip the food, at there I remember and hear voices of my old days in there I think, then remember the bad experiences and "become a changed man" in the ward to not experience something horrible like being tied at bed, they really do such thing like tying me to bed, tying me to chair, I don't know why a person in physical pain(example: did not masturbate or wet dream) are placed as mentally unwell instead, I really in physical pain at my private part for being like that then became hard to walk but none of them really help me by giving me painkillers, I remember I only get haloperidol or risperidone at that time, or it's actually the injection and fluoxetine? Why are they like that to me? Why they didn't try a lovesick treatment like meeting me up with someone I love or exes? They really let me be, I remembered my 2nd sister brought chocolate cake then an insane man that knows how to write Arabic eat it and scooping me only 1 spoon of it, it's due to my schizophrenia I feel like taken advantaged of from the food gone just like that. At that time I was on medications and the shiny chocolate cake thought as having diamond dusts in it to murder me, I really feel scared or tortured but nobody cares about it.

I read in a book that "a lot of schizophrenics die of torture" in the ward then I really feel so helpless about my life. I thought I'm going to be tortured continuously until I die, as nobody knows how to get rid of the Physical Pain in this mental sickness.

I don't know how I survive this almost 1 year but I take medicines daily, then hoping I remember more this month like yesterday I remembered about my 2nd sister wanted to cerai where I became angry of her decision then I loss memory multiple times. In the end they cerai without my talks at all, then I thought I have cancer and thought they are still married and my 2nd sister uses a face wearing to pretend as other face, and I thought a homeopathy help exist to fight cancer and thought her ex-husband looking for a medicine for me, then only like today I feel they actually cerai, because I thought her ex-husband found a man for her to pretend "a husband", without having sex, something like that, it's really weird the perfection of a family is gone but then she just wants her life like that then none of my family fight for me thinking that she should still be with her ex-husband, I try my best through doctors' knowledge of this, I even plan Ustaz Harun to know of this and even Puan Hamidah Bahashwan, a psychologist. I hope P.M Lawrence Wong knows the perfection I meant and help too, even S.M Lee Hsien Loong, it's really hard but if they really take me as adopted brother and child, I hope they see my happiness as something like "a perfect family", that's taken away by my 2nd sister.

Do they want me to feel stupid and not learn O level then? They wouldn't mind if I don't learn anymore? They don't see it's schizophrenia that made me stupid in qualification and see it as attitude problem? It's really bad, I really just have to rely on doctor mostly, if I have them as my adopted family it means I have been schizophrenic since baby days I think, then nobody really support my happiness at all. It's really bad.

Now is almost 1 year then my family and relative didn't support me by giving me money like what I hear the voices, the voices just fool me in small girl's voice and it can comfort me if it's a lie that's making me happy, then suddenly painful if it's wrong as the people I hear about will deny about it, I can believe wrongly from the voices then I think it's called false-memory? Or violent schizophrenia? I really don't know I'm just unlucky in life to bump into Alysha as my life journey. Hope she pays up money faster than requiring a hint writing from me.