It's almost 11a.m now as I write this it's 11mins to go, today I seem to post very few then I remembered that yesterday I feel better, so I wonder why it's like that, I am bored now thinking if my dream were just actually a repeated act like a flashback of my past, it's really weird if to dream something that ever happened, means people pretended to die in the story as I have no guns, means it was a fake gun, it's really harsh how they let me experience schizophrenia memory loss like this, it feels like not a dream then I remember like how can I remember faces so exactly like that?
Right now I don't know what to do with my RG477V I left it in my box container then I don't play it for so long already ever since I bought it. Today I feel like I've grown fatter and my legs and arms became more muscular because of daily exercise, I don't know if I have changed but then 70kg-75kg are really a lot of difference from the past, I wonder why I'm made to live my life like not doing anything but just taking medicine, it's the main focus anyway for now, so I really hope I became stable and having something to think about every morning until close to night time, I usually have nothing in my mind and only think of blogging, I feel like creating a website using Android but I don't know if it can happen, like preparing to make w.w.f.g(we walk for ghost - adventure group) a reality, will it even happen? Will I be taking my car license next month? I really need answers. Story of doctor matches that my 2nd sister works at yellow ribbon now, it's really weird how did doctor knew it even when Dina was a baby at that time, it really happened then it still makes me wonder what makes doctor let me think or vision of myself becoming a President of Singapore/MUIS by his stories? I really will score well in life? I feel like a just pass will happen for O level, then Diploma about computers to work in that line, I'm getting old and it makes a feeling of "losing to Wahdiah means leaving Wahdiah forever", but we don't communicate anyway, it means like we have already left each other for so long. If I'm way too behind and theres no comfort, I'm definitely leaving them permanently - or they are the ones that had left me as fact, just that I haven't move on until now.
Nobody pitied my love story, I'm left to feel like a suffocation of controls like goaling me to seek "treatment" when I fear the tying at chair and bed, it's actually a forced-treatment that I went through, it means I actually won't have a girl forever I think like this, they're so heartless letting me be in fear of being tied everytime I'm sent into ward, I sometimes wish my 2nd sister's ex-husband is around so he can demand me out of ward to prevent insanity, I don't know if my 2nd sister's husband will understand and try to let me out, but he cook for me food to eat, it's really a pity how I'm let to suffer in ward, then the forced-treatment are too much imagination of pain, then I still have to go through it. People are heartless to me, I wonder why nobody fought for me to be outside ward, it's really harsh and they really did it to me like I'm a crazy maniac, it's really sad and torturous, I hope Alysha "wakes up" and realized what she had done to me, then even experience the same as me, but she's level of university now, means her age to experience it will be older, but I don't know its just unfair that to believe "this is from God, and God is fair" about it, she really definitely path towards a lovelier life, and I wonder why God is unfair to me? Why shes let free in the public until so old age? Even if it means it's no-treatment and good for me to feel satisfied, it's still a lovely imagination being outside ward, I don't think God is fair and God won't revenge or retribute for me, karma dont seem to exist and I'm let to suffer for real. She's really crazy how she didn't try to decrease my pain by helping me but just living her life as someone occupied in life, it's so unfair of how much freedom she gets but I hope the pain will be felt somewhere in her life journey.
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