There's more dream, I dreamt of my N.S friend(Norashid) wearing a face of his own, means a double layer face, then in the dream I requested to make a face of myself for me to wear, like a protection. In the dream have another N.S friend of mine(Rendra) and his father "usually goes to the library", then his father "didn't go for a long time" then I requested for us to go to the library, in the dream he massaged my forehead because of my stress probably but then I realize maybe its just schizophrenic moment they just watch me like that.
In the first dream, I have 4 fishing spots, like river, like end of river becomes like a pond, then 2 ponds, then 1 beach(the sea), the sea making it 5. In the technological house, it's almost everywhere is metal and bulletproof glass I assume. It was really a good feeling and bad feeling mixed up in the dream, from bad to good. I am a rich man in the dream, I imagine myself "like an interpol" life there.
Now my recovery feelings are better and I'm not going to be warded on 29th June this year, so it's finally the end of pain for me, it's going to be my first time experiencing July outside and going to experience NDP for the first time after so many years, it's really bad this schizophrenia, they don't take every year into I.M.H as a serious matter but they let me be going inside there every year into painful torture inside ward full of crazy people. I am sad how nobody tried to get me out of ward until now.
Finally I will experience life like how it's supposed to be, except carrying anhedonia with me everywhere I go, I became less interested to look at girls now because of anhedonia and I feel myself like a weirdo, girls supposed to be a pleasure to look at but it's like this. I became an old man probably.
Yesterday I vision myself as scoring high for O level and posting my exam scores on Facebook, I really hope I do my O level and just pass it nicely to have Diploma about computers, or psychology, then I thought of taking A level and focus on psychology, it's really bad maybe O level is the important thing to have in life and it's final. Then I have 40 years old to try find a job somewhere with my O level, it's really sad im so old then just like this my life, as dishwasher as my target to work as, or even logistic assistant but theres no such job anymore, it's really crazy my life full of difficulties and fear. I remember Alysha was the one that demoralized me to take my N level, because "even during the special year someone disturbed me", I felt sad and became lazy to complete nicely, but luckily I just pass all exams. She really made me suffer so many years and I'm quite lucky she never got herself medicated with schizophrenia it means her body will feel the hot temperature sometimes, it's like hell secret realm. Then I guess it's okay then as she will still feel the pain a longer time because of no medication.
The thing on my mind about doctors' words: soldier job, hacker job - I wonder when is it, if 38 years old then it should be soon but the injection appointment makes it looks like I won't be getting any help this year, like it's over as fact and I'm just taking my medicine daily, then try to live my life by finding a job, nobody cares how difficult it feels like I'm so unlucky in life.
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