It made me happy how I won't be warded by this information, it means a continuous injection-only for 3 times before seeing doctor again. The timing are all 1.20p.m and seeing doctor at 3.30p.m, I am hopeful that someone start accompanying me to I.M.H but then I guess my life are meant to be alone. I really wish to see Sakinah it's been so many years, then she by common sense should know my question everytime, then I don't know if I had loss her by fact, it's really sad how everyone let her just be leaving me everytime and live her own life. I'm left all alone wondering what's my life going to become, then these kind of appointments just made me imagine like a neverending injection and it's sad about anhedonia.
Today I feel like buying baked chicken at NTUC, Nutella in my mind for some time, then Chilli Tuna too, I also felt like buying Mechanical Pencil and 4 Colours Pen Set as I feel like studying early for O level. Just now I have other imagination like not learning O level but just registering for Soldier job, then just become a soldier at 40 years old, I feel like doctor only made me ambitious like I can achieve and by fact I can't have a nice job kind of life due to schizophrenia, I'm really a burden to people because of the constant need of medicine money and if I can't work I will be at home like making people getting eyesore. It's really sad how doctor had made me felt like I will be getting a job in May/June, to start saving $5K+ this year, I really don't know if such thing will happen at all, it felt like I will get a job, then I suddenly feel like I'm maintaining as a nobody in this world, I really can't get myself a good job and work, even if schizophrenia the jobs given by jobclub were really tiring and painful, it's really sad then I feel like going for Woodlands C.C for job, but I wonder things like about the past if I will work about something start from letter "P", why this story appear if I don't work as that, why doctor waste time answering questions like that? It's really sad but he won't tell me my future I guess, it's like for psychic answers really have to pay something, I dont think I will get to know my life at all.
Just now I slept awhile then dreamt of Vietnam and Thailand man, 1 person carrying mattress on the road like a big trolley meant for mattress only, then goes to a location where there's fishtank, then at the fishtank I put droplets of green liquid that will make the fishes stronger, in the dream it felt so real like a flashback, and like something I ever experienced "then it became a dream"(like flashback), it's really weird I really have no one to consult about my dream then I just dream like an entertainment in life, I really want to know dream meanings but i can't get them at all. Doctor speak to me the same like a doctor-patient then there's no special connection like I imagined, it's really weird all the feelings that happened to me, is it all a dream, do doctor really care about me at all?
I feel like the end of my past relationship already happened in the past when I caused panic into their hearts, it's really bad but have to be this way, it's really not a nice feeling if I ever be with them again because they didn't effort to get in touch with me, it won't be comfortable or nice feeling maybe, it's really sad to understand schizophrenia had created the relationship to be over, Alysha really destroyed my happiness in life, visioned myself as having no life and no money then I myself didn't effort harder to keep the relationships together, no one feels guilty and let me split up with them, they feel not bad at all that girls are actually hard to get in life, they let me live in pain for so many years that I suddenly discovered I'm 37 years old in I.M.H ward when looking at my wrist-tag, it's really scary feeling how there's no nostalgia to be created, like my family didn't encourage the healing journey to be more beautiful, but just daily me taking medicine and that's all, they didn't try for me to feel outside life like shopping malls at other places but let me be a completely boring life, I'm sad of their method of care they don't care if I'm sad or unhappy but treat me the part that's like a kid that will cause me anger instead, I feel sad the nice treatment never happened and I just struggle for a job, they made me completely give up about finding a girl, and feel like self-damaging my relationship chances, it seems the girls are in no fear that I can ruin the relationship chances if they really want me they would attempt something nice, I guess they believe in "doa" and believe their prayers are always answered, it proves that their prayers not being answered when they do as I can still choose to give attitude but I'm alone for so many years, I really have no one backing me up for my life journey to be better, I'm really like a crazy man that will break my own relationship chances and nobody believed it most probably, as they treat me like someone not special in their life.
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