I began to wonder if I will grow to become someone intelligent, will I be fine taking O level at this old age? Won't people laugh at me? I just need to feel better in life, I don't understand why I grow older without a good certificate and I'm okay about it, I wonder why I only get jobs that don't require resume, it's really sad I am weak in life, I don't understand why I hear so many lies too, like saving $5K+ this year, it's really bad I have to live my life like this, being fooled by doctor especially.
I checked that 10 Sept is Thursday, I assume Shahridah won't be around for me, but I maybe will still go down anyway, it's really crazy my life, I can't be healthy like this, she's working on Thursday anyway, I won't have a nice life then I guess, life sometimes are not like our wish, then actually I realized that most of the time life are not like our wish, we really can't be happy like old people who got married since they were young until growing to be 70+ years old like my parents, they've been together for so long in their life, then my love story sucks like not happening, especially anhedonia don't make me want to effort on anything just rot at home everyday.
Today is only Tuesday, I am ambitious about feeling 19th June to have money maybe then 29th June to remember I have managed to skip being warded this year, then remembering July I will go through life outside ward in July, then August my first time after years that I will see N.D.P again outside(the fireworks), it's a memory to experience in life, everything still don't feel old to me, as I loss my memory for 20+ years then feeling life like only around within 1 year, it's weird nobody pitied my life story and didn't try that I become healthy and strong to become a soldier, they just let me live my life like this becoming useless just eating medicine daily as their goal, it's their only goal in my life it's really sad it's like that, they don't care I feel bad in life, maybe because my schizophrenic neighbours can eat medicine while I can't, then I don't know how to make my parents nicer to me like supporting me with money or get me the girl I want in life, to care for me, they just let me be suffering all alone instead, it's weird they decided my life like this, it's just too bad for me my parents are torturous type of care like never demand doctor to get me out of ward, even doctor didn't let me out of ward, I've been into I.M.H so many times in my life yet they don't try to trade "taking medicine" and I get something as a reward, they just remain maintaining my life to be heeding to take medicine 1 day instead, then it's been so many years, I'm sad how I'm reaching 38 years old next month then still struggling in life like I have visioned myself in the past, like doctor said I would still struggle, I really don't know what I can do to make my life better. Just now I feel like starting it off reading Berita Harian, then I remember if I smoke during N level, I stopped reading Berita Harian completely, my language definitely drop and I scored only 4 because of it most probably, it's really sad how Alysha made me "fail"(score low even if pass) in my goal and then successfully entered University, not mate merah but I feel like wanting to disturb her back to fail in school, then I just have to wait for retribution or karma that will never happen, whats bad is that even if she attack she will forget immediately making her live her life back on the same track again, instead of asking for forgiveness, she just forget it like nothing.
I am trying to live my life like blogging, to exist a nostalgic feeling in future, but I feel like I kept telling the same thing over and over again, it's really sad how not creative I am even if writing much longer, then it's the same thing, it reminds me like P.M Lawrence Wong keep repeating the Singapore's Pledge in his talks, then I feel I am fine again, I'm so lucky about repeating and feeling fine instead. I just want to become a normal person that can live life too, I don't want to become a beggar's heart even if not a beggar's life. I remembered this bad experience like Wahdiah throwing my cigarette box away last time, like someone just don't care if I crave or suffer, they just make it worse on purpose, if a girl don't accept me or change into accepting the way I want to live, maybe they aren't really meant for me after all, she should try to make me cut cigarette but she decided a cold turkey to happen, it's really sad the care is so little and small, I don't care if it's Haram now, the point is I was ever told it will become Makruh again, it's really sad I imagine a life of enjoyment with soulmate like Wine, even if it's Haram, then I can't. It's about changing into a better person together, not changing by ownself then setting rules on lover instead, I think that is true love like my 1st sister and her husband.
My previous post only have 8 viewers, I wonder why it's so little, who been reading me by the way, why there's no encouragement for me to write what in my life, im made like an attention-seeker instead. The torture is real like I really hope it's from cigarette so if I don't smoke I won't feel it anymore, maybe I can feel like my schizophrenic neighbours a happier and healthier life, I really don't know, they don't grow in weight like me, I wonder why its like that too. Maybe my medicine is just bad type as it's injection type, then it's maybe not good to feel anything in life, I just will keep growing fat I guess.
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