I'm trying to have my mindset as "I won't get married and just to live life", but it keeps repeating like I will buy cigarette over and over again, I really have no choice but to "feel it". I wonder what I should do to be happier, daily I blog releases some stress, smoking calms me down, then it's very little cigarette as fact, I think I'm just a childish version of schizophrenia while my neighbours are grown up because experienced love and children, I'm so bad in my life I feel like tortured while they feel loved, I don't understand why I should have schizophrenia, I hope my family gets schizophrenia faster than after I recover at 38 years old, as doctor said that they will have schizophrenia too, it's really harsh how they don't understand that schizophrenia can be painful even without anyone attacking, means I experience pain then they decide to be saving money from giving me, then I have no pleasure to spend on, but then I guess Ustaz can't help as he said if no money just eat Maggi, I'm experiencing a life of no one helping me as fact, I panic at $388 left it means I will keep panicking at $200, lol. I try to don't care about my life anymore, and just live life if have money then I have, if no money then no money, I still don't understand why they don't add pleasure into my life by giving me money though, it's really a not nice way of caring me but their bad decisions in life are not examples that they don't consider what they are doing to me is bad decision too, they feel they are perfect in caring, it's really bad for my life and feel like a tortured man, I don't understand this insanity can don't happen but they path me to Abit of insanity in my life. Maybe it's because Hisyammuddin got supporter at 6 months getting $10K from his mother then nothing to worry about, while I get nothing from my mother, it's really bad but they consider themselves as perfect care, or something good. I remember during my N level I was not perfect in my items, I don't have pencil case and use spectacle case as pencil case, they let me remain poor in school, and I have girlfriend at that time and don't smoke, money is saved so little everytime and I can't spend on my girlfriend, means they dont let me save up to spend for my life desire or choice, or making me "after N.S then can find a girlfriend", it's really crazy their care is a lot of worry in heart most of the time, and Allah never answers so they want me to "bergantung pada Allah", when Allah don't talk to us, they still expect the prayers to be done when we ourself have done so much and it's not answered, example I zikir "Ya Hayyu" 100K times to be cured as the Asma-ul-Husna book says that it will cure any sickness, then I'm still not cured, I wasted my time zikir, doa, solat, then I still quit school even when I solat for example, my body became to feel very sleepy and lazy.
I don't know who to rely on in my life. Life is just about to successfully destroy ourself in a painless way I feel due to the torture, we will feel like self-damaging and they rather let it happen, if self-damage they call us mental problem instead, if no self-damage it becomes attitude problem instead, I think my family is not good at caring family members. I'm so bad luck about my family life, others have fun with their family while I'm a sad one.
No comments:
Post a Comment